It's Thanksgiving. Yep. While I know I have much to be thankful for, so much and most of the day I appreciate those things. But right now, in the still of the night I'm not feeling thankful, right now I'm feeling ripped off. I'm feeling sad and blue and wishing I had 2 living sons. I'm feeling like I would like to take out an ad, or put a big sign on my front yard that says "I MISS MY SON CAYDEN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. STILL!!!". I feel like there are sooooo many people who don't get that it hasn't gone away, not even a little. I know you all know this feeling. The feeling or look you get when you dare to mention your baby. The feeling of the air being let out of the room. Trouble is the air has been let out of my life, and it hasn't been let back in. Right now I don't sound anything like the thankful woman I have been portraying myself to be on facebook, around the dinner table, at ladies night or anywhere else. So who is the true me? Am I really some bizarre combo of bitter sad and happy thankful woman? Jezuz, no wonder I am tired all the time.
I did the Walk to Remember on Saturday. It was a beautiful warm and sunny morning. Much different than it was last year. Made me sort of look at how many differences there are in my life in the last year. Last years walk there was a blizzard and I felt absolutely compelled to be there. I drove almost 2 hours through snow and ice against the advice of most everyone. I cried from the moment I got there until I left and cried most of the rest of the day. This year I looked forward to it. I cried, don't get me wrong, but my soul wasn't tearing like it did last year. Last year I only knew my immediate family who was there with me. I felt alone and isolated. This year I knew so many of the broken hearted people there. I knew their stories and I felt like I knew their babies. I felt connected to this community of loss. Last year I didn't think I would ever smile again. This year I knew I would. Last year I didn't think I could live with the pain of losing Cayden. This year I know he is near me, and though I will miss him and ache for him and cry for his loss, I know I will live through this.
I know I felt so much more centered because of the love and support I have had from my husband and my other son, from my family and friends, my support group and the many friends I have made there, the people I have met through my journey thus far and my blog friends.
Two nights ago I must have spent 20 minutes standing in Murrays bedroom doorway just watching him sleep. I was marveling at how big he has gotten. His arms and legs are so long. The way he sleeps now, is not like a baby (although on the rare occasions where he sleeps all hunched with his bum in the air my heart melts) anymore, he looks so grown. I mean don't get me wrong, I know a 4 year old is by no means grown, but he has grown soooo much. Back to my point.......standing in his doorway I realized I have missed so much. I have missed this entire last year. I mean I have been here, I have done all the things a mama should do, even all the things a good mama should do..........but I have still missed so much. In my overwhelming grief and sadness and desperate grip trying to keep "it" together. Whatever "it" is, more often than not "it" is ME. I just haven't been all here for Murray. I haven't noticed him changing and growing. I missed him going from 3 to 4. There are big changes that have happened. I missed them. I didn't see them coming, or happening. All I know is that somehow I missed them. Well mark my word.....I am here now damnit. I am here.
On a different not, I have gone swimming 4 days now. The plan is to go tomorrow as well making it 5 times. Twice last week and 3 times this week. Last week we started with 14 laps, which is 700 meters or yards. I can't remember which. 1650 is a mile so I was just under half a mile. Today I went just OVER half a mile. I am feeling good about it. I am not dreading it like normal. Fingers crossed I can keep it up and increase my energy level and get this ole girl in shape for a baby.
On a sad note, 2 of my dear friends have gone through IVF this last month. One families didn't take, and the other was pregnant for 11 weeks but seemingly lost the baby about 8 weeks. I am so sad for them. It has really sort of sparked the urgency in myself to get Murray a little brother or sister.
Eric and I have been going to a support group 2 times a month since shortly after we lost Cayden. The group is CPNL Colorado Pregnany Newborn Loss group. It has helped us more than we would have ever imagined. The leader is an amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman and she has really been an amazing support this last year. The people in the group have sparked so much thought and conversation within the group and between Eric and I. I will go into this group in more detail in another post, actually can't believe I haven't blogged about it before. At any rate there is a conference on Friday at Red Rocks. I have been helping with the planning and organizing and Eric and I will also be on a Parent Panel. We will be speaking to and taking questions from doctors, nurses and other medical people about comprehensive care for families who have lost babies. Does anyone have anything they would like the medical community to know good or bad?? I pray I have the words and strength to reach these people. Something I say could just make or break the hardest day in the life of some future baby lost mama. Jezzzuz no pressure.
I have finally started to DO something. I began swimming this week. Went 2 times. Oddly enough I am still NOT fit enough to get pregnant. At least I feel good about finally moving and doing something. Murray knows that I am doing this to get healthy so we can get another baby in my tummy. A baby that as he puts it "gets to come home wiff us and doesn't have to go to heaven". I have been really wondering WTH lately. I want a baby sooo badly, but then I am not doing anything to get us to a place where we can start to try. I talk and talk about it. I ache over it. I obsess about it. But I don't DO anything about it. I am the only one/thing holding us, our family, back from growing. I spoke with my SIL this week about it, and her thoughts are that I am afraid. Afraid of the pain of losing another baby. I am protecting myself by being too fat to get pregnant. I have been really putting some thought to this. I am trying to figure out how to reconcile my heart and head and get them on the same page so that I can get my body on that page too. I am running out of time. I'm 41. My risks of trouble seems to be going up by the day. I intend to use my time in the pool to have some serious heart and head time.
A year has come and gone. I have survived a year without your kisses, without nuzzling the sweet smell of your neck. A year of not watching you grow and progress and learn about your world. A year has gone and I only picked one outfit for you my angel. A year has come and gone without you getting into your big brothers things. A year has passed and I didn't get to pick out a cake for you to smash your fingers in and shmear all over your face. I have missed so much in this last year. I have missed you every moment of every day. But in your memory I have found strength. The strength to get up and face each and every day and face a world where you are not. I have found the strength to foster your big brothers love for you, and cry with him every time he crys about missing you and wishing you could have come home with us and not gone to heaven. I have found the strength to answer your big brothers never ending questions about death and heaven and you. I have found the strength to answer the question "how many children do you have?" proudly with "2 boys". I have found the strength to let go and cry and wail and scream at God when I need to. I have found the strength to be supportive of other mothers who have angel babies. I have found the strength to talk about you whenever I want no matter who is around or if it makes them uncomfortable.
I have not found the strength to lose the weight I want to lose in order for us to try for another baby. I have not found an answer for why you were taken from me. I don't think I ever will. Not until I get to you and finally have you in my arms. Maybe then I will have the understanding.
I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just a moment has passed, then other times it feels like an eternity.
I know that I will continue forward. For you. For your brother. For your Daddy. And so you will be proud of your mama.
It's getting closer and closer to Caydens birthday. Closer and closer to the time his sweet wonderful soul entered my life. I knew to expect my emotions to run high, but I had NO idea it would be so soul crushing again. The sadness is washing over me, making it hard to breath. The slightest mention of his name, glance at the calendar, view of a butterfly can drop me to my knees. My heart feels layed open. I miss you so much Cayden. I love you. I love you . I love you. Please give me the strength to make it through this next week with some grace.
I ran into a woman I know tonight at a fund raiser thing. I have never really liked this woman, she has always annoyed me. Most things she does and says are annoying. Tonight she took the cake. I haven't seen her since I lost Cayden. Tell the truth I don't know if she ever even sent me an email or anything about it, I can only assume NOT. So tonight I swear to all that is holy and un holy she ran down the damned list of what NOT to say, not ever ever ever say, to someone who has lost a baby. I tried like hell to be kind, to be charitable, to redirect her, to correct her and finally I looked desperately for an escape and I bailed on her. I really don't care if I EVER talk to her again in my life. Here is what I can think of that she said: 1. It was probably for the best. To which I replied........uhhh no I don't agree with that. 2. Was IT (OMG she called him IT) stillborn? NO 3. She ran over me after that question to say was he born to early? Is that why he was stillborn? and again.......NO. He wasn't stillborn. His name was Cayden. I had him at 32 weeks and he lived for 3 days. 3. Well he probably would have suffered if he had lived. I said Well, I guess we'll never know will we? Now we just suffer and miss him. 4. So what happened to him? He had a malformed vein in his head that burst.....and again she talked all over me.......OH so if he had lived this could have happened to him when he was 5, and how horrible would that be? To lose a 5 year old? I said nothing. By this time it's taking everything I have to not punch her in her stupid face. 5. I have a friend whose son just died of cancer. He was 27. Can you imagine how hard it would be to lose a child at 27? My reply is a look of shock mixed with disgust. 6. I have another friend who had a molar pregnancy, well, she just had her first baby and OMG is he cute, but anyway first she had this molar pregnancy and when she went in for her first ultrasound there was no heartbeat. Can you imagine? How sad. At this point I said "ohhhh I have to go" and I made a bee line for safer people. I am in utter utter shock. It was like she was reading from the list of what not to say. I have had lots and lots of people say things that are really stupid, unkind even, but mainly stupid. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean I can't fault everyone for not knowing what to say to me, and I know most people are coming from a decent spot. Floundering to say something, anything to take the look of pain from my face, to stop the tears that well up. But this was just over the top. I sit here tonight in shock. Absolute shock.
I can feel it coming. I feel like I am standing on the tracks and the train is coming. Caydens birthday is 2 1/2 weeks away. The day he left me is 3 short days after. I am starting to relive every moment I had with him last year this time. What I was doing, what I was feeling, how desperately I was holding on to hope. We have decided to take a family hike on the 8th, his angelversary. I am not a hiker, couldn't be further from being healthy and in shape, but I think it will be good for us, and for me. I want it to feel like a step forward, a reclaiming sort of thing. I want so badly to be on the road to health and less weight, so that I can begin trying for our 3rd child. The baby that as Murray puts is "doesn't have to go to heaven, but gets to come home and live with us". So perhaps a hike on this day will be a good step off? I don't know. I feel like I'm reaching, grasping at straws. We have nothing planned for his birthday and that is starting to terrify me. So many people have thrown big parties, done big celebrations etc. That doesn't feel right, but I have to do something. I need to find a way to celebrate the day he was born. Because that day was a beautiful day. My son was born. My beautiful son Cayden WAS born. So what to do? How to celebrate? I am afraid the urge to lay in bed all day and cry will be overwhelming. Do any of you have any ideas? Please share if you do.
My Cayden. 11 months ago today you came forth into this world to touch my heart, my soul and change me forever. I wish I knew, I wish I could really see and know who I have and am becoming. I know from the moment the doctor first told me that there was something terribly wrong I changed. I would never again be the woman, the mother, the person I was. There isn't a soul that has ever lived with the knowledge of her childs impending doom that hasn't changed, almost on a cellular level. I feel like everything, every single thing I ever knew or though I knew changed in that moment. So that's established. I'm changed. I'm different. But when will I KNOW who this new me is? Will I ever know this woman I am like I knew the woman I was? Will I like who I am? Right now, I don't. In fact I don't really even really like the woman I was. When I was that woman I liked me, but now I don't like her. So what is that? Will I have to go through this entire life I have in front of me without you not liking myself? Not liking who I am? Oh Cayden, I looked at your photo tonight for the longest time. You were so handsome. So wonderful. I know that the doctor said you weren't really there, but I knew then and it was reaffirmed for me tonight. You were there. You looked into my eyes. You knew, and God please tell me that you still know how very much I love you. Every thing I do now I do for your memory and for your big brother. Everything. Always.
My dear cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now. They have struggled greatly. They are now about to embark on IVF with a donor egg. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for them and am praying and hoping as hard as I can that they will be finally blessed with a child. So my mother and I were driving and she pops off with "I want it more for them than I do for you". OMG OMG OMG. When I looked at her with the shock I was feeling she simply said "don't get upset with me, you have Murray and I want them to have a chance at a child". All I could come up with was "I don't think this is the sort of thing that has to be gauged". I know I shouldn't be surprised at this and after chewing it over and hashing it out with my sister in law, I know she is approaching this from a position of fear. She is fearful of me having to face the sort of pain I faced and continue to face after losing Cayden. She would rather me just stop and not risk it. But f*ck, come on Mom, if you are going to chose teams...........shouldn't it be MY TEAM? And so much more to the point.........this is not something that a team has to be chosen for. Oh I love you Mom, but honestly, that really hurt.
I have been beating myself up for months. Beating myself up for sooo many things and so many reasons I would be here for weeks if I were to begin listing them all. But the thing that I think I might finally have gotten some clarity about is my being so tired. I am tired all the time. Not just sleepy, or lazy tired, which is what I have been beating myself up for, but bone weary exhausted sort of tired. I have been trying to catch up on some of the blogs I follow of other mothers with broken hearts and I am finding yet another common thread. We are all so tired. I have been laying here tonight thinking about it. I feel from time to time that I am doing well, that I am making my way in this new life of a broken heart, but obviously there is a price to pay for that. It takes every ounce of my energy to get through my days with a semi smile, going through the motions of my life, forcing myself to connect with my family and friends when all the while I would like to just lay in bed and sleep and cry or sob in turns. I suppose if I were to give in and let myself curl into the fetal position that my soul is pulling me into every moment of every day I would still be just as damned tired. At least this way my sons, both Murray and Cayden will be able to look at me, from across the room or down from the heavens and know I am trying, but holy hell it's wearing me out.
We all know what Sunday was. We all dealt or didn't deal, felt or didn't feel, were surprised by our feelings or blindsided by the emotions that this day carries with it or had already "put up our dukes" in preparation for it. I, so thankfully, was given a perfect "excuse". My Murray turned 4 years old. I was able to place all my focus on him. We even did a little family dinner at Chuck E Cheeses. I was glad to not have to focus on the idea of this day. I did steal a few quet moments to reflect on the fact that I am the mother of 2 beautiful wonderful sons.
My grief and pain is washing over me tonight like an endless ocean. Today Cayden should be 9 months old. But instead he isn't. Instead in 3 short days he will have been gone for 9 months. Eric and Murray are sleeping soundly and I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing my sweet dark haired angel was here with me. I am so grateful that Murray hasn't stopped talking about him, that he wants to send balloons to Cayden in heaven almost weekly, that me talks about his baby brother daily, but G*D DAMNIT I want him him here with us. I don't want to have to explain to Murray for the 9,000th time why G*d took Cayden, why we can't see him, why we have to trust that Cayden is always with us and watching over us. I am so sad and mad tonight I have a crazy urge to run into the middle of the street in my nightshirt and scream. I want to scream in the middle of the street.........I WANT MY SON BACK NOW!!!! I want the world to know just how bad this still hurts. I want them all to have to look into my face right this second with endless tears streaming and sobs racking my breathing........I want the world to face this pain with me. I want everyone I know who has thought to themselves or said to themselves or someone else "Cristin seems to be doing so well, she is so strong" or any other such nonsense..........I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT!!! The pain I feel tonight is so strong I want to curl up in a ball. I'm not good, I'm not better. I hurt tonight the same as I hurt 9 months ago.......in 3 days.
I'm sure so many of you have been touched by Lea from Nicholas' Touch and Angel Wings Memorial Boutique. She sent me hand crafted Angel Wings shortly after I lost Cayden and we have remained in touch. She lives soo far from me, but always seems to know just when I need to hear from her and her words are always like a salve to my wounded soul. A few days ago, I had just had a difficult day. My mother and sister in law and I had just, and I mean just, came back from visiting my friend with the 2 month old little boy. The one who was a tiny little premie, from an older big mother like myself, who shares the same doctor and hospital as Cayden and I. These visits are sooo hard. I try to steel myself and be cheerful and happy and look at her son and talk to him, but both times I have seen him I come home defeated, depressed and just exhausted. I sat in the car in front of my house rehashing the visit and crying. I grabbed the mail when I got out of the car...........and there it was, Lea had sent me some wonderful little yellow butterflies, because they made her think of Cayden and I. So really, honestly they came at the perfect time. I truly want to take a page out of Leas book and think of others more than I think of my own pain. The simple fact that she, in the midst of her busy life (made harder by the beating of a mothers heart who has lost her son) thought of me, and acted on her thoughts.......there is good in this world. You give me hope.
I sooo want to be trying to get pregnant again right this damned minute. Doctor said we could start trying in February. Doctor said my weight had nothing to do with what happened to Cayden. Heart and soul scream a different story. I feel I need to lose a good 60 lbs before I will feel comfortable trying again. I am 40 years old. Time is a wasting. Waist is not shrinking. Of course it isn't going to unless I actually DO something about it. I keep telling myself when my taxes come in I will get a membership to a fitness club here. But the problem is I have a stationery bike in my basement. A good one. I have punches to go to the rec center and do pilates. The weather is getting nicer and nicer here and I could easily walk. BUT I AM DOING NOTHING!!! What gives? Where is my inner strength?
I can't put my finger on it, but something new has been happening to me. Back story........I have been winding up and up and up with the stress level lately. Eric isn't working much, my unemployment is quickly drying up with no job prospects on the horizon and our cobra health insurance has ended. We are behind in just about every bill possible, haven't even started to consider paying for all the medical bills we racked up last year. It's beginning to wear on me in a big way. X~an~ax is becoming a needed daily weapon, not just a safety blanket in my purse. So yeah, there is all that. And I have found that stress and strong emotions throw the door to grief wide open. So the relative control I thought I had is eluding me. The thing that struck me tonight as I thought about my last few days is how addicted I am to Murray. I find myself highly HIGHLY critical of other children. I compare them all to my perfect little man. When he isn't with me, which is honestly really rare, I ache for him. And not the normal ache of a mom missing her clever 3, soon to be 4 year old. It's big. I feel panicky without him. I think about all the funny, endearing, silly things he says and does. I walked through the grocery store and see the fruit leather he loves, the donuts he loves and I get this mix of panic and need and giant lovey feelings for him. All I know is somehow, someway I need to get a handle on this. It's freaking me out.
I am moving through this life. I have somehow survived the death of my son. I get up everyday now and live. I smile. I laugh. I love. I am living. How can this be? How can I live without him? It seems so strange to me to think that somehow I am finding a way to survive this pain. Somehow I go on with my life even though it feels I have only half my heart, half my soul. The other half of me clearly belongs to Murray and that must be the only way I have come this far. I am fearing more and more getting farther and farther away from the time I had with Cayden. I know I have to continue on, and just like I tell Murray live a long and happy life and be an old old woman before I can go to heaven and be with Cayden, but will he still be waiting for me? People told me that the horrendous spells of soul tearing grief would gradually get less strong and less frequent. I didn't believe it could be so. But seemingly it is true. I can sit here and think of him in the quiet of the night and if I open the door to it, the grief comes gushing in like a river. It baffles me then, that the pain and sadness that is sooo great, so damned huge, can be quelled and I can live a seemingly normal daily life? How does this work? How does my heart lock up the pain so I can do what must be done? I don't get it. I really don't. I know that it's fast approaching 8 months since we said hello and goodbye. At 8 months he will have been gone as long as he was with me. And then the scales tip the other way. I hope my heart is ready for that.
sometimes I sit here and have no idea what to say. I know I haven't blogged in a while and Lord knows many things have raced through my mind. Many things need to be worked out. But I feel sorta numb tonight. There are so many good things going on right now, Murray is just an amazing kid. He finds such joy in everything he does it's infectious. Eric got a floor to do, and he will be going out of town to do it. He is so excited that he has to travel for work. I am having my family over for St. Patricks Day dinner tomorrow night as I have done every St. Patricks Day for years. I have all the hard part done, save for cleaning the toilets tomorrow. Tomorrow is my 4 month wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. I have a job interview on Friday that I am very excited about. Spring seems to be trying to make her appearance. Thank God. The dreary cold and gray days have taken a toll on my soul. My friend is coming next week from New Zealand. All really good things. And yet I am somehow consumed with the not so good. I wonder if this is the "new me"? The post Cayden me? Or is this the me in transition from pre to post Cayden? Is this the still overwhelmingly grief stricken me, who goes through so many days pretending and walking around with a painted on smile, trying to figure out what my next move is? Right now? It's ambien and a pillow.
My laptop went kapoot, so I had to make an appointment to get her fixed. So I go. I am standing at the counter with the very nice mac kid who is helping me and doing this and that and looking this up and testing that. Here is where the bitch part comes in.......who is standing RIGHT next to me doing their thing with their mac person? Mom and grandma and BABY. Ok to tough enough, but I tell myself "self.....there are babies in this world and you are going to have to deal with that. you love babies. you always have. you have always been drawn to them. you are going to have to go and see your friends new baby soon enough. so this is a good time to just suck it up and look at and even interact with a baby." my little self pep talk worked. i turned to and coo'd at said little baby, was doing quite fine (save the rock that formed in my gut) UNTILLLLLL mac dude asks how old this baby is.........7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. How old would my Cayden be you wonder? 7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. Anyone care to tell me what the gawd damned odds are that I would get stuck next to a baby the same age that Cayden SHOULD be???? I mean come on universe? What sin have I commited that I have to be punished like that? It was all I could do to not stand there and fricken cry. Friendly little mac dude would have thought I was crying about my stupid laptop. I made it half way out the mall before the tears let loose. Tears streaming, I frantically call Eric and try to escape. But of course super friendly store guy at Dicks Sporting Goods (which I had to walk through to get out to my van) "oh miss, are you ok? can i help you find something?". why yes super friendly dicks dude..........MY SON. can you help me find my SON? he seems to be missing from my life and i need him here. i really really want to know where it is that i screwed up so royal that this sort of think gets to be my life? haven't i paid whatever debt to the universe i was sentenced to? i mean COME ON!!! I give. I give in. I give up.
Cripes I used to be the woman who loved birthdays, celebrations of any kind and babies and pregnancy on anyone. Now I get so damned bitter and resentful and it's ugly. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. My family tries to understand, and excuse my feelings, but I really do hate it. When will the day come that I will just be happy to celebrate a birthday, mine or someone elses, without rewinding in my mind to my last birthday and the joy so tightly woven into the heartbreak? When will the day come that I see a pregnant woman and feel happy for her, not jealousy followed closely by fury at myself? When will the day come that I will look forward to seeing, shopping for, and even holding someone elses baby? Eric says he won't hold another baby until he holds his own. I can see that. I can see me doing that as well. I have a friend whose baby was born at 34 weeks and he is really small, will be in the NICU for another 3 weeks or so. She says she can't wait to put him in my arms. I can't help but wonder will my empty aching arms stand for such an assault? When does the pity party end? When do I just have to suck up and deal and be a normal person? I don't know that I ever will, I sure hope everyone is okay with that.
It's so strange to me how my mind and soul work in regards to Cayden. So many lost baby mamas that I follow seem to see their angels as they were or as they should be at that moment. And I suppose I do that too, to some degree. I mean looking at newborns anywhere takes my breath away and whenever I see a baby that is about 6 months old, same thing. But I actually find myself looking more and more at young men and wondering if THAT'S what he would have looked like. Dark haired boys with cleft chins send my mind spiraling. I see a young dark haired boy lean down to hug his mother or something and I think "oh, oh my Cayden would have done that". I wonder if I will always do that.
I have a very dear friend who was pregnant. She got pregnant after I got the initial bad diagnosis about Cayden. She also found out she was having a boy. We share the same OB. She is an older mom and heavy just like me. So many many similarities it's scary. Well I have found out throughout the course of her pregnancy that she was scared to tell me she was pregnant, that she had prayed she would not have a boy and she asked God many times why she was the one put in my path to be a constant reminder, to cause me pain each and every time I saw her. Sadly she is right. It has been a constant reminder. It has been painful each time I see her. But there is also joy and happiness for my friend. I am truly happy for her. She is a wonderful, gracious, empathetic, giving, loving woman who deserves happiness and who has been wonderful with me, to me, for me and about me from day 1. Her baby shower was last weekend and she was afraid to invite me. I was afraid to go. Not sure I could do it. Had planned to get her a gift card, not thinking I could shop in the baby section, let alone the baby boy section. But I did. Somehow I had the strength to spend a couple moments in the baby section to pick a couple cute outfits out for her baby Joshua. I smiled and was friendly and when she started opening gifts I slipped off and went downstairs to watch the kids play Wii. I knew she understood. She has since told me that she is grateful for whatever I can give to her, and understanding of what I can't give.
Well she has been having trouble. Her baby wasn't growing, in fact he was really really tiny. Measuring in at 3 weeks small for his gestational age. She developed hypertension and was on the verge of getting pre-eclampsia. She has been in an out of the hospital, on semi bed rest for a couple of weeks. The trouble is......she just had so much faith that he would be fine, that all she could do was trust in God. All of her friends were of the same mind. It drove me nuts. I was terrified for her, beyond a normal fear. I have realized why. Because in my world......babies die. You can pray, plead, beg and make as many deals and promises as you want to The Big Man, you can have everyone you know doing the same and still babies die.
She was admitted to the hospital earlier in the week and was to stay there until they took Joshua by c-section on Friday. I tried all week to work up the nerve to go see her. Tried every day. Made a plan to go see her every day. My one sister in law Betsy and other friends kept telling me it was a bad idea. That she would understand and I didn't have to go to see her THERE (there being the same damned hospital where I had Cayden). That I could wait for her to get out and she would understand. And I knew she would understand. She is that friend, who gets it. But the mere fact that she does get it makes me want to strive to do better by her. So Friday morning I got the nerve to venture to THAT hospital. My sister in law Betsy and my mom went with me. Hoping to lend me strength. Both of them reassured me that if I got there and couldn't go in, we could turn around and come home.
So in I went. I felt ok going in. Until I got to the front desk on the very same floor and was waiting for my visitor badge from the same woman who had given all my family their visitor badges. Felt my chest closing up on me and the lump in my throat growing at an alarming pace. Slapped on my badge and fished my Xana~x out of my purse and headed down the hall. Luckily she was left where I was right. As I walked the hallways though I couldn't stop the tears. My precious son had lived his entire life on THIS floor of THIS hospital. Every moment of his 3 short days was lived there. I so wish we would have taken him outside in the sunshine for just a moment. Let him breath fresh air and let the sun shine on his tender skin. Hindsight is a bitch and I hate her.
Long story longer I made it. She was moved to tears of appreciation. I am glad I went. Her friend was there, a photographer, who had just recently began doing photos for NILMDTS and the previous night had been her first. So another mother had lost her baby the night before. Another mother had started her journey down this f*cking horrid road.
Joshua was born, terribly small but healthy and strong. His cord had been wrapped around his neck twice, his belly once and his thigh yet another time. Doctors have said it's a miracle he hadn't slipped away in utero. I like to believe perhaps he had some help from an extra special little angel Cayden. I am contemplating another visit tomorrow. One of my wonderful nurses is supposed to be on duty, so I will be able to see her. I dunno. Guess it depends on how much sleep I get and how steady on my feet I feel tomorrow. It's brutal, but I did it. Damnit I did it.
I have just come through the worst weekend. Not of my life, we all know what weekend that was. But it's been 6 months and try as I might, I could not help but thinking back to what I was doing 6 months ago. All day Friday I kept remembering the last few kicks I felt. The fear and hope Eric and I shared. The feeling I had when Cayden was born and looked soo good, so perfect. The sound of his little cry in the delivery room. The crazy reasonless hope I had that he was going to be okay. How could someone so perfect be so broken, he had to be ok. I remember this ridiculous elation I felt. I just knew he was going to beat the odds. Saturday I kept thinking back to the fear of them taking him for his MRI and the way my hope faded the longer we had to wait for the results. I remember vividly Eric and I walking in to see our boy in the NICU and joking with the doctors as I saw them looking over his scan, again assuming it was going to be good news and they were going to be able to fix whatever was wrong with him. I remember the look in the doctors eyes as she sat us down to give us the worst news of our lives. That there was nothing that could be done. No sudden healing as the song says. I will never ever as long as I live forget the feeling of my heart ripping open when I knew his time was fading. I remember his baptism, the kindness in the Priests eyes as he spoke to me. I remember the beauty of him my son being placed in my arms. The feel of his skin, so soft and warm. I will remember always the feel of his skin against my skin, his little heart beating against mine, his sweet breath as I kissed him over and over and over. I thought all day Sunday of how I spent this day 6 months ago just holding my sweet baby, letting his daddy hold him and standing watch. I remember being so grateful that he lived. That he lived through my birthday, he gave me the gift of himself. He fought and gave me the best gift I have ever received. As I went to bed on Sunday I remembered laying in my hospital bed holding my baby angel skin to skin and tracing his face until he couldn't fight it any longer and God called him home. And Monday was the day I remembered all day, every minute of that brutal day the earth shattering pain, the literal breaking of my heart as he slipped away. I remember saying over and over "I'm so sad" and damnit it hasn't eased up a bit. I am still sooo sad. I have relived every moment of your short life Cayden. Every moment. I am so glad I am your mama. I will live this pain, I will bear it, because it means that you were here, that you are here. That you came through me to brighten my world. I have said it before and I still feel it, I just wish I could go back in time to relive those 3 short days with you. Maybe tonight when I close my eyes I will feel you near. I love you my angel. I love you.
oh bloody hell, just when I though we were cleared for take off to try for another baby.......reality comes like a comet and lands smack in my lap. My unemployment runs out in March as does my Cobra insurance. Checked into paying for our own insurance and even if we pay the 43 kagillion dollars it is going to cost us just to protect ourselves from something catastrophic there isn't maternity coverage. Knowing the fact that I will be high risk cuz of my age alone, and factor in the struggle Cayden had I know I will be getting alot of u/s and I know I will have to have another c-section. soooooooooo have to add get a job, no make that good job with benefits before we can get back on the horse as it were. so now to make matters worse I don't want to work days. I do not want to miss what little time I have left with Murray who is in preschool for just another year and a half. I know my family would help out, but it's about me, I don't want to miss out. Yeah, so I need the perfect night job with benefits and I need it stat. Also the hardwood floor business (which is what my husband does) has been painfully slow so he has not been working either. Not a good combination of events for someone racing towards the 6 month angelversary. AND I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN MY BEACH GETAWAY!!!!
Such a strange place to be, filled with dread at the approaching 6 month mark and filled with excitement at the prospect of trying again. Feb 5th is 6 months since Cayden took his first breath. 6 months is how long the doctor told us we had to wait to try again, since this was my 2nd c-section and the doc had to cut my uterus vertically this time. Right after we lost Cayden I was so ready to try again, I would have given anything to be pregnant again right away. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. I have needed every minute of these last 5 1/2 months to even get to a place where I could get through a day without hiding out to sob. I have been devouring up the blogs of other lost baby mamas who have been trying for, and getting their rainbow baby. I hope, I pray we get lucky, that God will smile down on us and give us another chance, that Cayden will guide this future baby safely into my womb, that Cayden will stay close to this future baby and keep heirm (her/him) safe and healthy. I pray that Cayden will know how very much I love him, that I love him more today than I did 5 1/2 months ago. I pray that God and his brightest angel Cayden will allow this future baby to live and thrive and like Murray says "come home with us, so I can hold him".
So whirling inside of me is this monstrous storm of conflicting emotions. I will continue to hope and pray and beg. I will continue to follow you other blogging mamas and steal whatever hope and advice I can from your words.
As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.
Well (does it seem I start all my blog entries with the word Well??), it's 2010. No longer the year I was pregnant with Cayden. No longer the year Cayden was born. No longer the year I had my precious 3 days with Cayden. No longer. So now what? I look forward to 2010, I have great hope for 2010. What do I hope for in this new year? I hope to get pregnant again and to have a healthy happy pregnancy and bring home a healthy happy baby. I hope Eric gets some steady work and we can catch up on some of the mounting bills. I hope that we can continue to love each other and support each other as we continue down this shitty road of grief. I hope somehow we can steal away for a much needed tropical get away. I hope. I guess that's the main thing. I still have hope. Hope is a good thing. Hope can carry me a long way. I know cuz hope is what carried me through the initial diagnosis of Cayden through his entire short life.
I have been reading alot of blogs and there is a theme going through alot of them about what your word of the year is. It has started me thinking. What would my word of the year be for 2010? I guess hope would be it. So come on 2010 treat me right. I hope.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.