I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I can't put my finger on it, but something new has been happening to me. Back story........I have been winding up and up and up with the stress level lately. Eric isn't working much, my unemployment is quickly drying up with no job prospects on the horizon and our cobra health insurance has ended. We are behind in just about every bill possible, haven't even started to consider paying for all the medical bills we racked up last year. It's beginning to wear on me in a big way. X~an~ax is becoming a needed daily weapon, not just a safety blanket in my purse. So yeah, there is all that. And I have found that stress and strong emotions throw the door to grief wide open. So the relative control I thought I had is eluding me. The thing that struck me tonight as I thought about my last few days is how addicted I am to Murray. I find myself highly HIGHLY critical of other children. I compare them all to my perfect little man. When he isn't with me, which is honestly really rare, I ache for him. And not the normal ache of a mom missing her clever 3, soon to be 4 year old. It's big. I feel panicky without him. I think about all the funny, endearing, silly things he says and does. I walked through the grocery store and see the fruit leather he loves, the donuts he loves and I get this mix of panic and need and giant lovey feelings for him. All I know is somehow, someway I need to get a handle on this. It's freaking me out.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.