Monday, May 10, 2010

Murray's Day

We all know what Sunday was. We all dealt or didn't deal, felt or didn't feel, were surprised by our feelings or blindsided by the emotions that this day carries with it or had already "put up our dukes" in preparation for it. I, so thankfully, was given a perfect "excuse". My Murray turned 4 years old. I was able to place all my focus on him. We even did a little family dinner at Chuck E Cheeses. I was glad to not have to focus on the idea of this day. I did steal a few quet moments to reflect on the fact that I am the mother of 2 beautiful wonderful sons.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

It's not over by a long shot

My grief and pain is washing over me tonight like an endless ocean. Today Cayden should be 9 months old. But instead he isn't. Instead in 3 short days he will have been gone for 9 months. Eric and Murray are sleeping soundly and I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing my sweet dark haired angel was here with me. I am so grateful that Murray hasn't stopped talking about him, that he wants to send balloons to Cayden in heaven almost weekly, that me talks about his baby brother daily, but G*D DAMNIT I want him him here with us. I don't want to have to explain to Murray for the 9,000th time why G*d took Cayden, why we can't see him, why we have to trust that Cayden is always with us and watching over us. I am so sad and mad tonight I have a crazy urge to run into the middle of the street in my nightshirt and scream. I want to scream in the middle of the street.........I WANT MY SON BACK NOW!!!! I want the world to know just how bad this still hurts. I want them all to have to look into my face right this second with endless tears streaming and sobs racking my breathing........I want the world to face this pain with me. I want everyone I know who has thought to themselves or said to themselves or someone else "Cristin seems to be doing so well, she is so strong" or any other such nonsense..........I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT!!! The pain I feel tonight is so strong I want to curl up in a ball. I'm not good, I'm not better. I hurt tonight the same as I hurt 9 months 3 days.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

International Babylost Mothers Day

Thinking of all my new friends here in the world of lost babies.