I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
It's not over by a long shot
My grief and pain is washing over me tonight like an endless ocean. Today Cayden should be 9 months old. But instead he isn't. Instead in 3 short days he will have been gone for 9 months. Eric and Murray are sleeping soundly and I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing my sweet dark haired angel was here with me. I am so grateful that Murray hasn't stopped talking about him, that he wants to send balloons to Cayden in heaven almost weekly, that me talks about his baby brother daily, but G*D DAMNIT I want him him here with us. I don't want to have to explain to Murray for the 9,000th time why G*d took Cayden, why we can't see him, why we have to trust that Cayden is always with us and watching over us. I am so sad and mad tonight I have a crazy urge to run into the middle of the street in my nightshirt and scream. I want to scream in the middle of the street.........I WANT MY SON BACK NOW!!!! I want the world to know just how bad this still hurts. I want them all to have to look into my face right this second with endless tears streaming and sobs racking my breathing........I want the world to face this pain with me. I want everyone I know who has thought to themselves or said to themselves or someone else "Cristin seems to be doing so well, she is so strong" or any other such nonsense..........I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT!!! The pain I feel tonight is so strong I want to curl up in a ball. I'm not good, I'm not better. I hurt tonight the same as I hurt 9 months ago.......in 3 days.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.