Monday, June 14, 2010


My dear cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now. They have struggled greatly. They are now about to embark on IVF with a donor egg. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for them and am praying and hoping as hard as I can that they will be finally blessed with a child. So my mother and I were driving and she pops off with "I want it more for them than I do for you". OMG OMG OMG. When I looked at her with the shock I was feeling she simply said "don't get upset with me, you have Murray and I want them to have a chance at a child". All I could come up with was "I don't think this is the sort of thing that has to be gauged". I know I shouldn't be surprised at this and after chewing it over and hashing it out with my sister in law, I know she is approaching this from a position of fear. She is fearful of me having to face the sort of pain I faced and continue to face after losing Cayden. She would rather me just stop and not risk it. But f*ck, come on Mom, if you are going to chose teams...........shouldn't it be MY TEAM? And so much more to the point.........this is not something that a team has to be chosen for. Oh I love you Mom, but honestly, that really hurt.

Friday, June 4, 2010


I have been beating myself up for months. Beating myself up for sooo many things and so many reasons I would be here for weeks if I were to begin listing them all. But the thing that I think I might finally have gotten some clarity about is my being so tired. I am tired all the time. Not just sleepy, or lazy tired, which is what I have been beating myself up for, but bone weary exhausted sort of tired. I have been trying to catch up on some of the blogs I follow of other mothers with broken hearts and I am finding yet another common thread. We are all so tired. I have been laying here tonight thinking about it. I feel from time to time that I am doing well, that I am making my way in this new life of a broken heart, but obviously there is a price to pay for that. It takes every ounce of my energy to get through my days with a semi smile, going through the motions of my life, forcing myself to connect with my family and friends when all the while I would like to just lay in bed and sleep and cry or sob in turns. I suppose if I were to give in and let myself curl into the fetal position that my soul is pulling me into every moment of every day I would still be just as damned tired. At least this way my sons, both Murray and Cayden will be able to look at me, from across the room or down from the heavens and know I am trying, but holy hell it's wearing me out.