I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Monday, June 14, 2010
My dear cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now. They have struggled greatly. They are now about to embark on IVF with a donor egg. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for them and am praying and hoping as hard as I can that they will be finally blessed with a child. So my mother and I were driving and she pops off with "I want it more for them than I do for you". OMG OMG OMG. When I looked at her with the shock I was feeling she simply said "don't get upset with me, you have Murray and I want them to have a chance at a child". All I could come up with was "I don't think this is the sort of thing that has to be gauged". I know I shouldn't be surprised at this and after chewing it over and hashing it out with my sister in law, I know she is approaching this from a position of fear. She is fearful of me having to face the sort of pain I faced and continue to face after losing Cayden. She would rather me just stop and not risk it. But f*ck, come on Mom, if you are going to chose teams...........shouldn't it be MY TEAM? And so much more to the point.........this is not something that a team has to be chosen for. Oh I love you Mom, but honestly, that really hurt.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.