Friday, July 23, 2010


I ran into a woman I know tonight at a fund raiser thing. I have never really liked this woman, she has always annoyed me. Most things she does and says are annoying. Tonight she took the cake. I haven't seen her since I lost Cayden. Tell the truth I don't know if she ever even sent me an email or anything about it, I can only assume NOT. So tonight I swear to all that is holy and un holy she ran down the damned list of what NOT to say, not ever ever ever say, to someone who has lost a baby. I tried like hell to be kind, to be charitable, to redirect her, to correct her and finally I looked desperately for an escape and I bailed on her. I really don't care if I EVER talk to her again in my life. Here is what I can think of that she said:
1. It was probably for the best. To which I replied........uhhh no I don't agree with that.
2. Was IT (OMG she called him IT) stillborn? NO
3. She ran over me after that question to say was he born to early? Is that why he was stillborn?
and again.......NO. He wasn't stillborn. His name was Cayden. I had him at 32 weeks and he lived for 3 days.
3. Well he probably would have suffered if he had lived. I said Well, I guess we'll never know will we? Now we just suffer and miss him.
4. So what happened to him? He had a malformed vein in his head that burst.....and again she talked all over me.......OH so if he had lived this could have happened to him when he was 5, and how horrible would that be? To lose a 5 year old? I said nothing. By this time it's taking everything I have to not punch her in her stupid face.
5. I have a friend whose son just died of cancer. He was 27. Can you imagine how hard it would be to lose a child at 27? My reply is a look of shock mixed with disgust.
6. I have another friend who had a molar pregnancy, well, she just had her first baby and OMG is he cute, but anyway first she had this molar pregnancy and when she went in for her first ultrasound there was no heartbeat. Can you imagine? How sad. At this point I said "ohhhh I have to go" and I made a bee line for safer people.
I am in utter utter shock. It was like she was reading from the list of what not to say. I have had lots and lots of people say things that are really stupid, unkind even, but mainly stupid. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean I can't fault everyone for not knowing what to say to me, and I know most people are coming from a decent spot. Floundering to say something, anything to take the look of pain from my face, to stop the tears that well up. But this was just over the top. I sit here tonight in shock. Absolute shock.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


I can feel it coming. I feel like I am standing on the tracks and the train is coming. Caydens birthday is 2 1/2 weeks away. The day he left me is 3 short days after. I am starting to relive every moment I had with him last year this time. What I was doing, what I was feeling, how desperately I was holding on to hope. We have decided to take a family hike on the 8th, his angelversary. I am not a hiker, couldn't be further from being healthy and in shape, but I think it will be good for us, and for me. I want it to feel like a step forward, a reclaiming sort of thing. I want so badly to be on the road to health and less weight, so that I can begin trying for our 3rd child. The baby that as Murray puts is "doesn't have to go to heaven, but gets to come home and live with us". So perhaps a hike on this day will be a good step off? I don't know. I feel like I'm reaching, grasping at straws. We have nothing planned for his birthday and that is starting to terrify me. So many people have thrown big parties, done big celebrations etc. That doesn't feel right, but I have to do something. I need to find a way to celebrate the day he was born. Because that day was a beautiful day. My son was born. My beautiful son Cayden WAS born. So what to do? How to celebrate? I am afraid the urge to lay in bed all day and cry will be overwhelming.
Do any of you have any ideas? Please share if you do.

Monday, July 5, 2010

11 months

My Cayden. 11 months ago today you came forth into this world to touch my heart, my soul and change me forever. I wish I knew, I wish I could really see and know who I have and am becoming. I know from the moment the doctor first told me that there was something terribly wrong I changed. I would never again be the woman, the mother, the person I was. There isn't a soul that has ever lived with the knowledge of her childs impending doom that hasn't changed, almost on a cellular level. I feel like everything, every single thing I ever knew or though I knew changed in that moment. So that's established. I'm changed. I'm different. But when will I KNOW who this new me is? Will I ever know this woman I am like I knew the woman I was? Will I like who I am? Right now, I don't. In fact I don't really even really like the woman I was. When I was that woman I liked me, but now I don't like her. So what is that? Will I have to go through this entire life I have in front of me without you not liking myself? Not liking who I am?
Oh Cayden, I looked at your photo tonight for the longest time. You were so handsome. So wonderful. I know that the doctor said you weren't really there, but I knew then and it was reaffirmed for me tonight. You were there. You looked into my eyes. You knew, and God please tell me that you still know how very much I love you. Every thing I do now I do for your memory and for your big brother. Everything. Always.