impending

I can feel it coming. I feel like I am standing on the tracks and the train is coming. Caydens birthday is 2 1/2 weeks away. The day he left me is 3 short days after. I am starting to relive every moment I had with him last year this time. What I was doing, what I was feeling, how desperately I was holding on to hope. We have decided to take a family hike on the 8th, his angelversary. I am not a hiker, couldn't be further from being healthy and in shape, but I think it will be good for us, and for me. I want it to feel like a step forward, a reclaiming sort of thing. I want so badly to be on the road to health and less weight, so that I can begin trying for our 3rd child. The baby that as Murray puts is "doesn't have to go to heaven, but gets to come home and live with us". So perhaps a hike on this day will be a good step off? I don't know. I feel like I'm reaching, grasping at straws. We have nothing planned for his birthday and that is starting to terrify me. So many people have thrown big parties, done big celebrations etc. That doesn't feel right, but I have to do something. I need to find a way to celebrate the day he was born. Because that day was a beautiful day. My son was born. My beautiful son Cayden WAS born. So what to do? How to celebrate? I am afraid the urge to lay in bed all day and cry will be overwhelming.
Do any of you have any ideas? Please share if you do.