Friday, July 23, 2010


I ran into a woman I know tonight at a fund raiser thing. I have never really liked this woman, she has always annoyed me. Most things she does and says are annoying. Tonight she took the cake. I haven't seen her since I lost Cayden. Tell the truth I don't know if she ever even sent me an email or anything about it, I can only assume NOT. So tonight I swear to all that is holy and un holy she ran down the damned list of what NOT to say, not ever ever ever say, to someone who has lost a baby. I tried like hell to be kind, to be charitable, to redirect her, to correct her and finally I looked desperately for an escape and I bailed on her. I really don't care if I EVER talk to her again in my life. Here is what I can think of that she said:
1. It was probably for the best. To which I replied........uhhh no I don't agree with that.
2. Was IT (OMG she called him IT) stillborn? NO
3. She ran over me after that question to say was he born to early? Is that why he was stillborn?
and again.......NO. He wasn't stillborn. His name was Cayden. I had him at 32 weeks and he lived for 3 days.
3. Well he probably would have suffered if he had lived. I said Well, I guess we'll never know will we? Now we just suffer and miss him.
4. So what happened to him? He had a malformed vein in his head that burst.....and again she talked all over me.......OH so if he had lived this could have happened to him when he was 5, and how horrible would that be? To lose a 5 year old? I said nothing. By this time it's taking everything I have to not punch her in her stupid face.
5. I have a friend whose son just died of cancer. He was 27. Can you imagine how hard it would be to lose a child at 27? My reply is a look of shock mixed with disgust.
6. I have another friend who had a molar pregnancy, well, she just had her first baby and OMG is he cute, but anyway first she had this molar pregnancy and when she went in for her first ultrasound there was no heartbeat. Can you imagine? How sad. At this point I said "ohhhh I have to go" and I made a bee line for safer people.
I am in utter utter shock. It was like she was reading from the list of what not to say. I have had lots and lots of people say things that are really stupid, unkind even, but mainly stupid. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean I can't fault everyone for not knowing what to say to me, and I know most people are coming from a decent spot. Floundering to say something, anything to take the look of pain from my face, to stop the tears that well up. But this was just over the top. I sit here tonight in shock. Absolute shock.


  1. Yeah. Big stupid idiot. Ugh.

  2. Idiot is not the word that comes to mind. I am so sorry you had to put up with that crap. When it is one insensitive comment, it is easy to brush off, but when you are barraged by rapid fire rudeness... ugh! Props to you for not punching her in the face. Or totally breaking down. That alone is a demonstration of your strength and grace.