Thursday, October 29, 2009

snow day

I'm in Colorado where we have just had 2 full days and going into the 2nd night of snow. We had over 20 inches today. It's a beautiful sparkly snow that is sticking to everything including the electrical wires. It makes the world look new and clean. Murray had a great time (for all of 10 minutes at a time) playing in the snow. Eric and I are slowly, ever so slowly making progress on decluttering our home and getting it put back together. I guess there is hope for us.
I am going to order the prints of Cayden that NILMDTS took for us. I want him on my walls more. I have 2 of him in my room, a couple in the living room and a couple on the fridge.....but not enough. They all seem sorta haplessly placed. Trying to figure out just how the hell I am going to do a 5K on Nov 8th when I haven't done jack sh*t in the way of excercise.
Murray stopped in mid jabber last night to sing the beatles to me "all you need is love, all you need is love love. love is all you need" and threw his arms around me and said "i love you mama". Talk about a kid knowing just what his Mama needs.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

avoidance is not bliss

It's been a while since I blogged. I haven't even really followed anyone elses blogs. I suppose I was trying the avoidance trick. Turns out that doesn't work very well.
My life has been utter chaos these last weeks. We got insulation blown into our walls, which left us with 2 1/2 holes drilled 2 feet from the floor every 14 inches on every exterior wall. We have been patching walls, texturizing and painting. Of course being he wreck that I am.......I want change. I have been changing wall colors and moving all he furniture. But since we can only do so much at a time it leaves the rest of the house in complete chaos. I also have a wicked urge to declutter and get rid of things. I don't know where all this is coming from. I'm sure a professional could get to the bottom of it, and I'm quite sure it has something to do losing my sweet boy. I just don't have the energy to figure out what it's about. I guess if it leaves me with a cleaned up clutter free house in the end it's for the best.
Here's the tuff part, in all of this we decided it would be a good idea to take the crib down from Murrays room. Knowing full well it's a sinch to put back up with we get pregs again. But damn it hurt. I sat on the floor and cried. That crib should be in full use right now. Not being taken down and stored for later.
Positive thing? My amazing boy Murray never forgets Cayden. He says goodnight to him almost every night. And today when he found me crying he asked Cayden when we would be getting another baby in mamas tummy and Caydens answer according to Murray was in half a minute. I suppose I can wait half a minute. But wait is that in angel time? How does that calculate to mama time?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Fast Forward & Thanks

I know I have to wait till Feb for my body to heal. I know I want my body to be as close to 100% before we start trying for Cayden and Murrays little brother or sister. I know we both need time to get our heads on straight. I KNOW all this. But I WANT to be pregnant again right fricken now.

I also want all the lost baby mamas whose blogs I follow how much you helped me on Thursday night. I lost my marbles. I was sitting here crying, listening to the CD of music I picked for Caydens celebration, looking at his photo and yellow butterfly candle......and did I mention crying? So after I gave myself a full hour of this I searched out my fellow mamas. And somehow just knowing you were sitting and remembering your angels gave me solace. So thank you.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I remember

I burned a candle for you tonight my sweet boy. I ached for you. I cried for you. I remember you. I will never......ever forget you. I love you Cayden. I love you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Bitter party of One

Been a hard as hell week. Cayden would have been 8 weeks and has been gone 8 weeks. Group therapy was hard and emotional and I didn't want to go. I went to a getaway crop (working on photo albums) for the weekend. I wasn't supposed to be there as I was supposed to be home with my brand new baby. I went to the Walk to Remember here in Colorado on Sat morning. It was cold and hell, snowy and icey roads. My mom and dad bailed out on going cuz of the weather. My one sister in law and her family and my mother in law went. It was beautiful, and I am so glad I did it. They read all the names of the babies who were lost and we released balloons as our Caydens name was called. Instead of working on photo albums at the crop I wrote thank you cards for all the people who have done so much for us during this shitty shitty time. But I shouldn't have been at the crop. I should have been home with my newborn getting to know him and loving on him. Not writing thank you cards and freezing my ass off with all the other broken hearted moms and dads and families and sending him a a balloon cuz that's all I CAN do. So needless to say I lost my plot on Sat night. I was looking at pictures of my boy and started crying. I thought well......I guess I'm gonna have a bit of a cry. Then it started to take over me and I could feel the sobs coming and noticed all the other ladies had stopped what they were doing and were looking at me helplessly. I made a break for my hotel room and the damned key wouldn't work to let me in. Thankfully my mom and sister in law followed me out and had a key. I did have a good cleansing cry. Usually that will do it for me......I will feel a bit okay and like I can go on and face the next thing. Yeah but that doesn't seem to be happening. I am in it this time. I am one thought away from a breakdown pretty much all day right now. And bitter????? OMG yes. Friend of mine from highschool just had her baby. Yep we were supposed to be having our babies around the same time. Am I happy for her? Yeah you bet I am. I am glad she had a healthy pregnancy and has a sweet baby girl at home. BUT WHERE IS MINE? WHY DIDN'T I GET TO BRING CAYDEN HOME??? Why do I have to go to remembrerances with all the other lost baby mamas? Why? How could a child so perfect be sooo broken? How did this happen? What went wrong in his sweet little head? Why? Why? G*d damnit I WANT TO KNOW WHY???? How does an innocent little child of God get built sooo wrong? How does that happen? How does He let that happen?
I guess this would be the Anger stage of grief. Well........I don't like this either.

Monday, October 5, 2009

2 months my love

Had an appointment today and while in the waiting room, which was stuffed to the gills with new babies. I'm not kidding.....there was a 2 1/5 month old little girl next to me and across from me was a woman with twins born on aug 8th. Nothing like looking at a little healthy boy who was born 2 days before Cayden.......seeing what could/would/should have been. When we came out of our appointment there were 3 more women with tiny babies and one more on her way in. Murray noticed one of the babies was crying and pointed out that "our Cayden didn't cry". No our Cayden didn't cry, but his mama and daddy have cried enough for him for 12 lifetimes.
I did get a package in the mail though from Lea at Nicholas' Touch. It was Caydens angel wings which she and her two boys lovingly made for my boy. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cayden is out there directing things into the path of my life at the moment I need them most. I love his little wings and it reminds me that I'm sure he is using the wings he received the moment he left me and flitting all around us......clearing a path for us and making his love and presence felt.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

made it through

It seems I made it through Cayden's due date. But not without a little help from him. It's been getting chilly here in Denver, so I figured there would be no more yellow butterflies, but as I was driving and looked to my left and there was the biggest one I have ever seen. He was fluttering around along side my van as I drove and then he seemed to follow my van down the road for a bit. There is no way anyone can tell me that it wasn't my angel directing that resiliant bad assed butterflys flight path into mine. I know it was Caydens way of telling me to keep moving forward, to keep trying, and keep on.
Later that day my wonderful husband came home from work with flowers for me. This man knows my heart and it doing his best to carry me and my broken heart. I know I am a lucky woman to have such a man like him, to have such a little boy like my Murray and such an angel boy like my Cayden.
Also on September 30th, Caydens due date, Carly from To Write Their Names in the Sand.....posted Caydens name in the sand at her angel Christians beach. Again I trust that this came at the perfect time for a reason. Thank you Carly. I pray your water babe is growing stronger and healthier every minute.
I can't for the life of me figure out how to get his beach picture to post on my blog. If anyone can help......please guide me.
So I made it through. I made it through with the help of my boys. I reckon that's how I will make it through the rest of my days.