Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Bitter party of One

Been a hard as hell week. Cayden would have been 8 weeks and has been gone 8 weeks. Group therapy was hard and emotional and I didn't want to go. I went to a getaway crop (working on photo albums) for the weekend. I wasn't supposed to be there as I was supposed to be home with my brand new baby. I went to the Walk to Remember here in Colorado on Sat morning. It was cold and hell, snowy and icey roads. My mom and dad bailed out on going cuz of the weather. My one sister in law and her family and my mother in law went. It was beautiful, and I am so glad I did it. They read all the names of the babies who were lost and we released balloons as our Caydens name was called. Instead of working on photo albums at the crop I wrote thank you cards for all the people who have done so much for us during this shitty shitty time. But I shouldn't have been at the crop. I should have been home with my newborn getting to know him and loving on him. Not writing thank you cards and freezing my ass off with all the other broken hearted moms and dads and families and sending him a a balloon cuz that's all I CAN do. So needless to say I lost my plot on Sat night. I was looking at pictures of my boy and started crying. I thought well......I guess I'm gonna have a bit of a cry. Then it started to take over me and I could feel the sobs coming and noticed all the other ladies had stopped what they were doing and were looking at me helplessly. I made a break for my hotel room and the damned key wouldn't work to let me in. Thankfully my mom and sister in law followed me out and had a key. I did have a good cleansing cry. Usually that will do it for me......I will feel a bit okay and like I can go on and face the next thing. Yeah but that doesn't seem to be happening. I am in it this time. I am one thought away from a breakdown pretty much all day right now. And bitter????? OMG yes. Friend of mine from highschool just had her baby. Yep we were supposed to be having our babies around the same time. Am I happy for her? Yeah you bet I am. I am glad she had a healthy pregnancy and has a sweet baby girl at home. BUT WHERE IS MINE? WHY DIDN'T I GET TO BRING CAYDEN HOME??? Why do I have to go to remembrerances with all the other lost baby mamas? Why? How could a child so perfect be sooo broken? How did this happen? What went wrong in his sweet little head? Why? Why? G*d damnit I WANT TO KNOW WHY???? How does an innocent little child of God get built sooo wrong? How does that happen? How does He let that happen?
I guess this would be the Anger stage of grief. Well........I don't like this either.

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