Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Death and the living

I find it very interesting the explanations we come up with for things like death and all that surrounds it for our children.

Murray was 3 we lost Cayden. It was a very difficult thing to explain to him. We were well aware, from all the reading we did, not to tell him that his brother was sleeping, or had gong to sleep for fear that he would never want to go to sleep again. But it was so difficult to explain to this sweet child that his brother would not be coming back, where he was (in Heaven, above the clouds with God), what the memorial service we had for him was (a way for the people who loved him to remember him and celebrate the fact that he did lived and we will always love him), and the most difficult question of why it had happened (we will NEVER have an answer for this one, and we know this in our heads, but our hearts continually search for a reason why as if we too were 4 years old and think that if we just ask the right person in the right way we will get that ever elusive answer). We wanted to badly to soft pedal and make it easier on him during those moments but we also didn't want to give him false hopes or scare him. He asked so many times if we could take a helicopter or plane ride to heaven and see Cayden, and also if God couldn't just let him come back for a visit with us. His early experience with death has lead to endless questions about cemetaries and cremations. My son doesn't hesitate to talk to anyone about his brother, where he is and his feelings about it. I'm sure he has thrown people completely off their game plan when this comes up, but I hope that more often than not he will brush up against people who will let him talk and use his innocent wisdom as a learning/teaching moment.

He also desperately, almost as desperately as I, wants a baby that we get to bring home. "One that doesn't have to go live with God". He knows that I am trying to get healthy. In his innocence he doesn't see that his mama is too fat to get pregnant safely. I have only told him that I need to get healthy so that we can try to get another baby in my tummy. And he in all his wonderfulness tries to support me and help me. I told him we were not going to eat fast food anymore, because it is not healthy for me, and I am really going to try to do this. So today we were in the drive through getting a drink, no food I promise, and he asks me "hey Mama, isn't this a drive thru??". No judgement, just support. Oh if I could only bottle up his support and take it in my moments of weakness.........there is nothing I couldn't achieve.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

And another year begins

As the first day of yet another new year without my son begins I find myself reflecting on my year. I was really feeling pouty because I didn't believe there had been any forward progress in my life this year. Nothing financially that's for sure. Eric and I are still barely and I do mean barely holding on financially. I do start a new job on Monday. I will be a Para Professional (which is a fancy shmancy way of saying teacher without any credentials) at my boy Murray's preschool. I am very very excited about this job. It is THE next best thing to being a stay at home mom, which, when I'm being honest, is my true career goal. I will go in a half hour before he has to start school, and he can come with me and hang out until school starts and I will be right across the hall from him, and be able to take him home with me after school. I will only be working 3 and half hours a day and it is literally right around the corner from our home. The women who work there are wonderful and I think it is going to be a great fit. I think I might be a bit more mouthy and colorful than they are used to, but I don't think it will be a problem. Aaaand Eric is going to be trying for an RJ (Real Job) in January. The starting pay is really good and the benefits will be great. Holy crap, you know you are an adult when you start measuring success by benefits. We both have our fingers crossed that this job will pan out. That could actually be the start of some forward momentum for us in the financial department. But back to 2010, there has been no financial forward movement, and from where I was sitting, in the middle of my pity party with all my short comings and failures piled high around me I couldn't see any forward progress anywhere else. I am still fat, the house is still a gigantic mess, we still have entirely too much crap that doesn't fit in this home of ours, and we still don't have any signs of a new baby entering our lives. I suppose that's why we have friends though. They have the ability to see the things we can't. So I have now been made aware that I am raising an amazingly smart, fun and witty little 4 year old who everyone enjoys being around. We have a 16 year old who is finally starting to see his own self worth and potential and I have a relationship with him now that I never dreamed of having. And most importantly Eric and I have done a hell of alot of heart healing and working through our grief. My counselor literally calls it grief work and I know she is right. It has been work. We have not hid or ran from one single emotion or feeling surrounding our Cayden, we faced them all, big or small head on. We felt each and every feeling and emotion, let is wash all over us, and then dealt with it. There still is not a moment that we don't long for him, for what should have been, for what could have been and what is not, but those moments don't bring me to my knees nearly as often as they did a year ago. I can think of him sweetly now and with some joy mixed in with my sorrow and that is due to the work we have put in. So yes, I suppose there has been some forward progress in our lives. And as for you 2011.............I demand that you treat us with the respect we are due.