I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
And another year begins
As the first day of yet another new year without my son begins I find myself reflecting on my year. I was really feeling pouty because I didn't believe there had been any forward progress in my life this year. Nothing financially that's for sure. Eric and I are still barely and I do mean barely holding on financially. I do start a new job on Monday. I will be a Para Professional (which is a fancy shmancy way of saying teacher without any credentials) at my boy Murray's preschool. I am very very excited about this job. It is THE next best thing to being a stay at home mom, which, when I'm being honest, is my true career goal. I will go in a half hour before he has to start school, and he can come with me and hang out until school starts and I will be right across the hall from him, and be able to take him home with me after school. I will only be working 3 and half hours a day and it is literally right around the corner from our home. The women who work there are wonderful and I think it is going to be a great fit. I think I might be a bit more mouthy and colorful than they are used to, but I don't think it will be a problem. Aaaand Eric is going to be trying for an RJ (Real Job) in January. The starting pay is really good and the benefits will be great. Holy crap, you know you are an adult when you start measuring success by benefits. We both have our fingers crossed that this job will pan out. That could actually be the start of some forward momentum for us in the financial department. But back to 2010, there has been no financial forward movement, and from where I was sitting, in the middle of my pity party with all my short comings and failures piled high around me I couldn't see any forward progress anywhere else. I am still fat, the house is still a gigantic mess, we still have entirely too much crap that doesn't fit in this home of ours, and we still don't have any signs of a new baby entering our lives. I suppose that's why we have friends though. They have the ability to see the things we can't. So I have now been made aware that I am raising an amazingly smart, fun and witty little 4 year old who everyone enjoys being around. We have a 16 year old who is finally starting to see his own self worth and potential and I have a relationship with him now that I never dreamed of having. And most importantly Eric and I have done a hell of alot of heart healing and working through our grief. My counselor literally calls it grief work and I know she is right. It has been work. We have not hid or ran from one single emotion or feeling surrounding our Cayden, we faced them all, big or small head on. We felt each and every feeling and emotion, let is wash all over us, and then dealt with it. There still is not a moment that we don't long for him, for what should have been, for what could have been and what is not, but those moments don't bring me to my knees nearly as often as they did a year ago. I can think of him sweetly now and with some joy mixed in with my sorrow and that is due to the work we have put in. So yes, I suppose there has been some forward progress in our lives. And as for you 2011.............I demand that you treat us with the respect we are due.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.