I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
It's Thanksgiving. Yep. While I know I have much to be thankful for, so much and most of the day I appreciate those things. But right now, in the still of the night I'm not feeling thankful, right now I'm feeling ripped off. I'm feeling sad and blue and wishing I had 2 living sons. I'm feeling like I would like to take out an ad, or put a big sign on my front yard that says "I MISS MY SON CAYDEN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. STILL!!!". I feel like there are sooooo many people who don't get that it hasn't gone away, not even a little. I know you all know this feeling. The feeling or look you get when you dare to mention your baby. The feeling of the air being let out of the room. Trouble is the air has been let out of my life, and it hasn't been let back in. Right now I don't sound anything like the thankful woman I have been portraying myself to be on facebook, around the dinner table, at ladies night or anywhere else. So who is the true me? Am I really some bizarre combo of bitter sad and happy thankful woman? Jezuz, no wonder I am tired all the time.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.