oh bloody hell, just when I though we were cleared for take off to try for another baby.......reality comes like a comet and lands smack in my lap. My unemployment runs out in March as does my Cobra insurance. Checked into paying for our own insurance and even if we pay the 43 kagillion dollars it is going to cost us just to protect ourselves from something catastrophic there isn't maternity coverage. Knowing the fact that I will be high risk cuz of my age alone, and factor in the struggle Cayden had I know I will be getting alot of u/s and I know I will have to have another c-section. soooooooooo have to add get a job, no make that good job with benefits before we can get back on the horse as it were. so now to make matters worse I don't want to work days. I do not want to miss what little time I have left with Murray who is in preschool for just another year and a half. I know my family would help out, but it's about me, I don't want to miss out. Yeah, so I need the perfect night job with benefits and I need it stat. Also the hardwood floor business (which is what my husband does) has been painfully slow so he has not been working either. Not a good combination of events for someone racing towards the 6 month angelversary. AND I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN MY BEACH GETAWAY!!!!
Such a strange place to be, filled with dread at the approaching 6 month mark and filled with excitement at the prospect of trying again. Feb 5th is 6 months since Cayden took his first breath. 6 months is how long the doctor told us we had to wait to try again, since this was my 2nd c-section and the doc had to cut my uterus vertically this time. Right after we lost Cayden I was so ready to try again, I would have given anything to be pregnant again right away. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. I have needed every minute of these last 5 1/2 months to even get to a place where I could get through a day without hiding out to sob. I have been devouring up the blogs of other lost baby mamas who have been trying for, and getting their rainbow baby. I hope, I pray we get lucky, that God will smile down on us and give us another chance, that Cayden will guide this future baby safely into my womb, that Cayden will stay close to this future baby and keep heirm (her/him) safe and healthy. I pray that Cayden will know how very much I love him, that I love him more today than I did 5 1/2 months ago. I pray that God and his brightest angel Cayden will allow this future baby to live and thrive and like Murray says "come home with us, so I can hold him".
So whirling inside of me is this monstrous storm of conflicting emotions. I will continue to hope and pray and beg. I will continue to follow you other blogging mamas and steal whatever hope and advice I can from your words.
As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.
Well (does it seem I start all my blog entries with the word Well??), it's 2010. No longer the year I was pregnant with Cayden. No longer the year Cayden was born. No longer the year I had my precious 3 days with Cayden. No longer. So now what? I look forward to 2010, I have great hope for 2010. What do I hope for in this new year? I hope to get pregnant again and to have a healthy happy pregnancy and bring home a healthy happy baby. I hope Eric gets some steady work and we can catch up on some of the mounting bills. I hope that we can continue to love each other and support each other as we continue down this shitty road of grief. I hope somehow we can steal away for a much needed tropical get away. I hope. I guess that's the main thing. I still have hope. Hope is a good thing. Hope can carry me a long way. I know cuz hope is what carried me through the initial diagnosis of Cayden through his entire short life.
I have been reading alot of blogs and there is a theme going through alot of them about what your word of the year is. It has started me thinking. What would my word of the year be for 2010? I guess hope would be it. So come on 2010 treat me right. I hope.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.