I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
oh bloody hell, just when I though we were cleared for take off to try for another baby.......reality comes like a comet and lands smack in my lap. My unemployment runs out in March as does my Cobra insurance. Checked into paying for our own insurance and even if we pay the 43 kagillion dollars it is going to cost us just to protect ourselves from something catastrophic there isn't maternity coverage. Knowing the fact that I will be high risk cuz of my age alone, and factor in the struggle Cayden had I know I will be getting alot of u/s and I know I will have to have another c-section. soooooooooo have to add get a job, no make that good job with benefits before we can get back on the horse as it were. so now to make matters worse I don't want to work days. I do not want to miss what little time I have left with Murray who is in preschool for just another year and a half. I know my family would help out, but it's about me, I don't want to miss out. Yeah, so I need the perfect night job with benefits and I need it stat. Also the hardwood floor business (which is what my husband does) has been painfully slow so he has not been working either. Not a good combination of events for someone racing towards the 6 month angelversary. AND I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN MY BEACH GETAWAY!!!!
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.