I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I'm just so sad
I have just come through the worst weekend. Not of my life, we all know what weekend that was. But it's been 6 months and try as I might, I could not help but thinking back to what I was doing 6 months ago. All day Friday I kept remembering the last few kicks I felt. The fear and hope Eric and I shared. The feeling I had when Cayden was born and looked soo good, so perfect. The sound of his little cry in the delivery room. The crazy reasonless hope I had that he was going to be okay. How could someone so perfect be so broken, he had to be ok. I remember this ridiculous elation I felt. I just knew he was going to beat the odds. Saturday I kept thinking back to the fear of them taking him for his MRI and the way my hope faded the longer we had to wait for the results. I remember vividly Eric and I walking in to see our boy in the NICU and joking with the doctors as I saw them looking over his scan, again assuming it was going to be good news and they were going to be able to fix whatever was wrong with him. I remember the look in the doctors eyes as she sat us down to give us the worst news of our lives. That there was nothing that could be done. No sudden healing as the song says. I will never ever as long as I live forget the feeling of my heart ripping open when I knew his time was fading. I remember his baptism, the kindness in the Priests eyes as he spoke to me. I remember the beauty of him my son being placed in my arms. The feel of his skin, so soft and warm. I will remember always the feel of his skin against my skin, his little heart beating against mine, his sweet breath as I kissed him over and over and over. I thought all day Sunday of how I spent this day 6 months ago just holding my sweet baby, letting his daddy hold him and standing watch. I remember being so grateful that he lived. That he lived through my birthday, he gave me the gift of himself. He fought and gave me the best gift I have ever received. As I went to bed on Sunday I remembered laying in my hospital bed holding my baby angel skin to skin and tracing his face until he couldn't fight it any longer and God called him home. And Monday was the day I remembered all day, every minute of that brutal day the earth shattering pain, the literal breaking of my heart as he slipped away. I remember saying over and over "I'm so sad" and damnit it hasn't eased up a bit. I am still sooo sad. I have relived every moment of your short life Cayden. Every moment. I am so glad I am your mama. I will live this pain, I will bear it, because it means that you were here, that you are here. That you came through me to brighten my world. I have said it before and I still feel it, I just wish I could go back in time to relive those 3 short days with you. Maybe tonight when I close my eyes I will feel you near. I love you my angel. I love you.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.