Monday, August 23, 2010

a year

A year has come and gone. I have survived a year without your kisses, without nuzzling the sweet smell of your neck. A year of not watching you grow and progress and learn about your world. A year has gone and I only picked one outfit for you my angel. A year has come and gone without you getting into your big brothers things. A year has passed and I didn't get to pick out a cake for you to smash your fingers in and shmear all over your face. I have missed so much in this last year. I have missed you every moment of every day. But in your memory I have found strength. The strength to get up and face each and every day and face a world where you are not. I have found the strength to foster your big brothers love for you, and cry with him every time he crys about missing you and wishing you could have come home with us and not gone to heaven. I have found the strength to answer your big brothers never ending questions about death and heaven and you. I have found the strength to answer the question "how many children do you have?" proudly with "2 boys". I have found the strength to let go and cry and wail and scream at God when I need to. I have found the strength to be supportive of other mothers who have angel babies. I have found the strength to talk about you whenever I want no matter who is around or if it makes them uncomfortable.
I have not found the strength to lose the weight I want to lose in order for us to try for another baby. I have not found an answer for why you were taken from me. I don't think I ever will. Not until I get to you and finally have you in my arms. Maybe then I will have the understanding.
I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just a moment has passed, then other times it feels like an eternity.
I know that I will continue forward. For you. For your brother. For your Daddy. And so you will be proud of your mama.

Monday, August 2, 2010


It's getting closer and closer to Caydens birthday. Closer and closer to the time his sweet wonderful soul entered my life. I knew to expect my emotions to run high, but I had NO idea it would be so soul crushing again. The sadness is washing over me, making it hard to breath. The slightest mention of his name, glance at the calendar, view of a butterfly can drop me to my knees. My heart feels layed open. I miss you so much Cayden. I love you. I love you . I love you. Please give me the strength to make it through this next week with some grace.