I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
sometimes I sit here and have no idea what to say. I know I haven't blogged in a while and Lord knows many things have raced through my mind. Many things need to be worked out. But I feel sorta numb tonight. There are so many good things going on right now, Murray is just an amazing kid. He finds such joy in everything he does it's infectious. Eric got a floor to do, and he will be going out of town to do it. He is so excited that he has to travel for work. I am having my family over for St. Patricks Day dinner tomorrow night as I have done every St. Patricks Day for years. I have all the hard part done, save for cleaning the toilets tomorrow. Tomorrow is my 4 month wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. I have a job interview on Friday that I am very excited about. Spring seems to be trying to make her appearance. Thank God. The dreary cold and gray days have taken a toll on my soul. My friend is coming next week from New Zealand. All really good things. And yet I am somehow consumed with the not so good. I wonder if this is the "new me"? The post Cayden me? Or is this the me in transition from pre to post Cayden? Is this the still overwhelmingly grief stricken me, who goes through so many days pretending and walking around with a painted on smile, trying to figure out what my next move is? Right now? It's ambien and a pillow.
My laptop went kapoot, so I had to make an appointment to get her fixed. So I go. I am standing at the counter with the very nice mac kid who is helping me and doing this and that and looking this up and testing that. Here is where the bitch part comes in.......who is standing RIGHT next to me doing their thing with their mac person? Mom and grandma and BABY. Ok to tough enough, but I tell myself "self.....there are babies in this world and you are going to have to deal with that. you love babies. you always have. you have always been drawn to them. you are going to have to go and see your friends new baby soon enough. so this is a good time to just suck it up and look at and even interact with a baby." my little self pep talk worked. i turned to and coo'd at said little baby, was doing quite fine (save the rock that formed in my gut) UNTILLLLLL mac dude asks how old this baby is.........7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. How old would my Cayden be you wonder? 7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. Anyone care to tell me what the gawd damned odds are that I would get stuck next to a baby the same age that Cayden SHOULD be???? I mean come on universe? What sin have I commited that I have to be punished like that? It was all I could do to not stand there and fricken cry. Friendly little mac dude would have thought I was crying about my stupid laptop. I made it half way out the mall before the tears let loose. Tears streaming, I frantically call Eric and try to escape. But of course super friendly store guy at Dicks Sporting Goods (which I had to walk through to get out to my van) "oh miss, are you ok? can i help you find something?". why yes super friendly dicks dude..........MY SON. can you help me find my SON? he seems to be missing from my life and i need him here. i really really want to know where it is that i screwed up so royal that this sort of think gets to be my life? haven't i paid whatever debt to the universe i was sentenced to? i mean COME ON!!! I give. I give in. I give up.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.