Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Still here

I haven't posted in a long time. I haven't even really checked out many of the blogs I usually follow. I don't know why. I wonder if I have been hiding, or if it has just taken every ounce of strength I have to get through Christmas. I just don't know.
I do know that I am so thankful this Christmas is over. Oh how I wanted to just let it pass, to just not look at it and not deal with it. But I couldn't. My 3 year old precious boy depends on me. He was so eager for all things Christmas this year too, I couldn't deny him these things. So I turned on the Christmas music, put up the tree and hung the lights. I hope he won't remember the sadness behind my smile. I hope he will only remember joy. But this boy is so sensitive, as we hung the ornaments on the tree he looked up at me and said "I miss Cayden". If he only knew how much I was aching for his baby brother at that moment. Christmas just wasn't anything close to what I had envisioned in my dreams when I found out I was pregnant with Cayden. I was going to have a 3 month old....and a 3 year old. There would be two precious babies sitting with Santa. I would be shopping for 2 little ones.......but instead of toys and stocking stuffers for Cayden I donated the $ for a bereavement kit in his memory. wrong wrong wrong
I spent some time tonight catching up with the blogs I follow and a few of the women I glean strength and hope from have been blessed with Rainbow Babies. I am so happy for them. It truly gives me hope. And hope is something I need a double helping of. We are just over a month away from having clearance to start trying again. I am so past ready to be pregnant again, and in the same breath absolutely terrified.
A friend of mine mentioned Cayden on his FB status tonight, in a sort of remembrance of him. It was unsolicited and so very welcome. I haven't cried in a couple days, but seeing that and knowing that somebody else was thinking of my son opened up my flood gates. I think I am due for a doozy of a cry jag.
So I guess not posting a status for weeks lends itself to a scattered blog entry. Hoping to be on more, to sort out my thoughts as we approach a new road.

Monday, December 7, 2009

can't turn it off

I can't seem to turn my brain off. Especially at night. I get all cozy and sleepy laying next to Murray and he drifts off to dreams and my brain kicks in to hyper drive and I can't shut it off. I lay there thinking about what could have/should have been, I replay every moment I had with Cayden, I think about what Murray would have done with a baby brother here and not in heaven, I think about how are we going to pay for Christmas, how are we going to pay for life, am I going to do the work to lose more weight so I can get pregs without worrying about THAT, I worry about my cobra expiring and how we are going to pay for insurance, I worry about my unemployment coming to an end and not being able to find a job, not being able to find the right job with benefits and the ability to work nights so I won't miss a moment of Murrays life. I can't shut it off. I lay there and try to focus on whatever is on drag my mind away from the skipping record it keeps replaying and I can't. I lay there and think should I get up and take a xanax? an ambien? does that make me a druggie? why can't i deal with this crap on my own without drugs? why did the doctor prescribe them if i shouldn't take them? it's a vicious circle. an unending vicious cycle. okay tonight i think i will go with ambien. that should quiet the brain a bit. at least for 5 hours.
what the hell was the point of this blog post anyway? ugh.