I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Monday, December 7, 2009
can't turn it off
I can't seem to turn my brain off. Especially at night. I get all cozy and sleepy laying next to Murray and he drifts off to dreams and my brain kicks in to hyper drive and I can't shut it off. I lay there thinking about what could have/should have been, I replay every moment I had with Cayden, I think about what Murray would have done with a baby brother here and not in heaven, I think about how are we going to pay for Christmas, how are we going to pay for life, am I going to do the work to lose more weight so I can get pregs without worrying about THAT, I worry about my cobra expiring and how we are going to pay for insurance, I worry about my unemployment coming to an end and not being able to find a job, not being able to find the right job with benefits and the ability to work nights so I won't miss a moment of Murrays life. I can't shut it off. I lay there and try to focus on whatever is on tv......to drag my mind away from the skipping record it keeps replaying and I can't. I lay there and think should I get up and take a xanax? an ambien? does that make me a druggie? why can't i deal with this crap on my own without drugs? why did the doctor prescribe them if i shouldn't take them? it's a vicious circle. an unending vicious cycle. okay tonight i think i will go with ambien. that should quiet the brain a bit. at least for 5 hours.
what the hell was the point of this blog post anyway? ugh.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.