Monday, December 7, 2009

can't turn it off

I can't seem to turn my brain off. Especially at night. I get all cozy and sleepy laying next to Murray and he drifts off to dreams and my brain kicks in to hyper drive and I can't shut it off. I lay there thinking about what could have/should have been, I replay every moment I had with Cayden, I think about what Murray would have done with a baby brother here and not in heaven, I think about how are we going to pay for Christmas, how are we going to pay for life, am I going to do the work to lose more weight so I can get pregs without worrying about THAT, I worry about my cobra expiring and how we are going to pay for insurance, I worry about my unemployment coming to an end and not being able to find a job, not being able to find the right job with benefits and the ability to work nights so I won't miss a moment of Murrays life. I can't shut it off. I lay there and try to focus on whatever is on drag my mind away from the skipping record it keeps replaying and I can't. I lay there and think should I get up and take a xanax? an ambien? does that make me a druggie? why can't i deal with this crap on my own without drugs? why did the doctor prescribe them if i shouldn't take them? it's a vicious circle. an unending vicious cycle. okay tonight i think i will go with ambien. that should quiet the brain a bit. at least for 5 hours.
what the hell was the point of this blog post anyway? ugh.


  1. XO. I have been lacking sleep and replaying everything too. So, here's to 1 am computer time.

  2. I too get all cozy and ready for bed then my brain starts and I cannot turn it off. I wish I could answer all your questions.


  3. Bed time is the worst.... too quiet and alone with our own torturess thoughts. So sorry, Cristen. I have been thinking of you and glad to see post. Just wish things were a little better for you. The time of year certainly doesn't help.