Tuesday, November 24, 2009

this is not my beautiful life

I wish I could explain what it's like to feel so lost in your own life. I keep a running list of things I need to do, or places I need to go or call, shopping I need to do, things I hope to get done. Every day I look at this notebook and try to find something I have it in me to do. I try to find the energy to do something, anything so that I can look at myself in the mirror and not see a daily failure. I wouldn't say I was ever a very busy girl. I have always been a girl who could lay around for days at a time and watch tv and do a whole lot of nothing. But now.........after losing Cayden, I got nothing. I literally have to force myself to do anything. If I could lay in bed all day every day forever..........but that's not entirely true. Murray is here, right next to me and I do want to be in this life, if not for myself right now, then for him. So no, I wouldn't want to just quit, but it sure feels like something close to it.

Our fridge is leaking water and it's freezing along with all the fruits and vegg I have bought in hopes of eating more healthily. The milk is freezing, the bread is getting water leaked onto it. It's not a brand new fridge, but it was fairly new and new to us and a pretty decent one. I was trying to clean it out and chip the ice off the jelly for the 4th time in 2 days and just about lost my shit. I realized that no matter what we get, if it's nice and we make every attempt to take care of it and keep it nice.......it gets some sort of issue. Examples: windows in my van that had to be locked in the closed position because the window motor died, 1 window in erics car won't open, and 1 keeps falling open, the drivers side door handle has broke so you have to know the trick to be able to get out, the drivers window doesn't close right so you have a whooosh of air at all times, the gear shift handle broke completely off, if you bumped your knee on the door of my old van the door would lock and unlock. That's just the vehicle issues. Our toilets in our home take turns working and not working, running and needing the handle jiggled, or running so much you have to take the back of the tank off and be a plumber EVERY time you pee. The garage door opener on the side of the house just won't work, ever. One of our dusk to dawn lights won't ever turn off. Our motion detector light in the back yard turns on if the wind blows. Our doorbell rings when someone rings the neighbor across the streets door. Are you getting a theme here? And and and............a vein in our sons brain is malformed giving us only 3 days with him. COME ON!!! It's becoming a bad joke. This is NOT my beautiful life.

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