I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
a dragon and a pumpkin
Made it through halloween. One holiday down. Murray was the cutest dragon you ever saw. I carved a butterfly on a little tiny pumpkin for my angel boy Cayden. My mother seems......oh......how do I put this.......not to be getting it. Not to be understanding me lately. I could be wrong, but she doesn't seem to get it when I mention something about Cayden. My parents kept Murray for a little bit yesterday cuz he wanted to throw snowballs with papa. So last night after trick 'r treating and eating chili (our annual tradition) which by the way I feel really really effing proud of myself for 1. decorting our house a bit 2. doing the pumpkin thing with Murray 3. participating with a smile on my face and in my heart in halloween. Anyway sitting at the table last night and my dad is telling me that while he and Murray were building a snowman out back they had a butterfly come visit. I was talking to my dad about it and my mom kept saying "i saw a bee today" "i saw a bee today" "i saw a bee today". Finally I said "mom, I give a shit about bees, it's the butterflies I care about" and she just sortof glossed over it and said "oh well I thought it was too cold for butterflies and bees and was just surprised to see one." I guess I feel surprised that she didn't get how fricken heart sad I was/am and the fact that a butterfly was there with Murray and his Papa was a comfort to me. I feel surprised that she just didn't intuitively know that yesterday would be so bittersweet. She never even asked or looked at me to see how I was doing. I don't know maybe she did and I didn't know it. But damn. I have been forcing myself to go go go as I feel this emotional storm brewing and I feel like if I keep moving it won't catch me. But let me tell you when I slow down just a moment......my eyes fill up, my heart pounds, my arms hang heavy and empty. I wish wish wish I could just leave mid November and not come back till after the New Year is here. And it is really bothering me that my mother, my best friend, the person who knows me better than I know myself doesn't seem to be picking up on this. Cripes sounds like I am just having a big ole pity party and using her as my skape goat. If she ever reads this I know it will hurt her to know this is how I feel. I love you mom. I do. And I know you love me. But I am really really still hurting and I need you to KNOW that.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.