Tuesday, November 17, 2009

who's true

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about a friend of mine/ours who hasn't really spoken to me about Cayden or our loss at all and how it was surprising. I told her some people have it and some don't. I looked around when it was pouring tears and heartache and I saw who was standing there with me. I KNOW who my friends are and who my aquaintances are. (how the hell do you spell that??) I can thank my son for that gift. I will never wonder who would be there for me. I KNOW. I suppose I shouldn't have found that itt was really sort of a surprise to me who I found myself leaning on, confiding in, being honest with.......I mean aside from the obvious (my husband, parents, sisters in law and brother)......there were a few other people who really blasted through and were right there for me and continue to be. Continue to get that it isn't over. Continue to know that I am not the same, never will be but will ride this out with me and stand by the new me whoever she turns out to be. I am eternally grateful to these women and men who seem to pop up just when I need them most.......to listen to me bitch, or cry, or be there if I need to talk about anything other than my loss. Which brings me to thank you's. How do you thank people for the support they give. I mean other than saying thank you when I hang up after crying on someones shoulder, or after they walk 5K with me to honor my son, text me on what should have been Caydens 2 or 3 month birthday. It just doesn't seem enough. I sent thank you cards to everyone who cooked for us, sent flowers, donated $$, walked with us.....things like that. But that just doesn't feel like enough.

Topic change..........lost baby mama blogs I read going on to have babies. Holy cow, not sure if everyone follows the same blogs.......but there are alot of babies being born or being cooked up. I am chosing to grab some hope from all these successes. Eric and I have the tentative go ahead for February. I still have a fair bit of weight I want to lose........better get this old gal in gear.

Another topic change...........what about Christmas cards? I have always been really big on sending photos as or with our Christmas cards. I have even done a newsletter a few times. What about this year? What do I do? Do I pick all black and white photos of each of our children? Murray, step sons and Cayden and put them all on it? Do I forego the whole card game this year? Is that fair to Cayden. Shouldn't I celebrate the fact that he was here? Oh hell I don't know. It's late. I should sleep.


  1. I totally agree that it is a gift our babies give us--figuring out who our real friends are and not.

    I'm not sure if it helps or not, but I was wondering what to do for Christmas cards too, since it is also the one year anniversary for my daughter's death, so I wrote something like a birth and death announcement. Not the point, but Irishdad had a suggestion on his blog of writing or signing from Me, Husband, child and remembering Lost Baby. I love that, because you can sign, but not ignore the fact. xo

  2. Visiting from Nicholas' Touch. So sorry for your loss. My son died in August 2008 at 17 months old) while trying to get out of his crib. Life will never be the same again, but we get up and try every day to go on.

    I am in tears just thinking about the Christmas card thing. Last year, even though Caleb had already died, I included a picture of him from when he wasn't yet a year old surrounded by a string of lights...this year I don't know what to do.

    With love and hope,

  3. Hey Cristen - I totally hear you on the "true friend" thing... it's truly amazing who steps up to the plate when you need them most.... and sometimes disappointing with who doesn't.

    I am thinking about Christmas cards this too.... I think I will use one of our family pictures (which includes Nicholas' name/bear).. just feels right. I like Angie's idea about signing 'remembering and loving Cayden'...


  4. For Christmas cards we have the kids picture taken and in the photo is E's Giraffe and L's Frog. They represent them, so while its not an actual photo of them, they are being honoured and remembered. I might also include something in the signature this year, to honour them more. I didn't do it last year with E (his Giraffe was in the photo, but nothing in the signature line about his name) but that was because I was afraid of making others uncomfortable. No more, they are my children and deserved to be remembered. If you are uncomfortable, too bad for you. Maybe you could do something like that?

    I know all too well the feelings of friends leaving you and not being there for you. I have 2 close friends, or should I say 2 close ex-friends who basically fell off the face of the planet after we lost L. One of them was there for me when we lost E, but after L, nothing. She never once sent me an e-mail, facebook message, phone call, nothing. She has never asked me how I am. She never even came to his funural. Its sad that these "friends" were such a huge part of my life, but when it apparently got too tough for them, they left. Last time I checked it was ME who went through hell, twice. Anyways, I don't have any words or advice, just know I can relate.

    Lots of *hugs*