I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about a friend of mine/ours who hasn't really spoken to me about Cayden or our loss at all and how it was surprising. I told her some people have it and some don't. I looked around when it was pouring tears and heartache and I saw who was standing there with me. I KNOW who my friends are and who my aquaintances are. (how the hell do you spell that??) I can thank my son for that gift. I will never wonder who would be there for me. I KNOW. I suppose I shouldn't have found that itt was really sort of a surprise to me who I found myself leaning on, confiding in, being honest with.......I mean aside from the obvious (my husband, parents, sisters in law and brother)......there were a few other people who really blasted through and were right there for me and continue to be. Continue to get that it isn't over. Continue to know that I am not the same, never will be but will ride this out with me and stand by the new me whoever she turns out to be. I am eternally grateful to these women and men who seem to pop up just when I need them most.......to listen to me bitch, or cry, or be there if I need to talk about anything other than my loss. Which brings me to thank you's. How do you thank people for the support they give. I mean other than saying thank you when I hang up after crying on someones shoulder, or after they walk 5K with me to honor my son, text me on what should have been Caydens 2 or 3 month birthday. It just doesn't seem enough. I sent thank you cards to everyone who cooked for us, sent flowers, donated $$, walked with us.....things like that. But that just doesn't feel like enough.
Topic change..........lost baby mama blogs I read going on to have babies. Holy cow, not sure if everyone follows the same blogs.......but there are alot of babies being born or being cooked up. I am chosing to grab some hope from all these successes. Eric and I have the tentative go ahead for February. I still have a fair bit of weight I want to lose........better get this old gal in gear.
Another topic change...........what about Christmas cards? I have always been really big on sending photos as or with our Christmas cards. I have even done a newsletter a few times. What about this year? What do I do? Do I pick all black and white photos of each of our children? Murray, step sons and Cayden and put them all on it? Do I forego the whole card game this year? Is that fair to Cayden. Shouldn't I celebrate the fact that he was here? Oh hell I don't know. It's late. I should sleep.