I did the Walk to Remember on Saturday. It was a beautiful warm and sunny morning. Much different than it was last year. Made me sort of look at how many differences there are in my life in the last year. Last years walk there was a blizzard and I felt absolutely compelled to be there. I drove almost 2 hours through snow and ice against the advice of most everyone. I cried from the moment I got there until I left and cried most of the rest of the day. This year I looked forward to it. I cried, don't get me wrong, but my soul wasn't tearing like it did last year. Last year I only knew my immediate family who was there with me. I felt alone and isolated. This year I knew so many of the broken hearted people there. I knew their stories and I felt like I knew their babies. I felt connected to this community of loss. Last year I didn't think I would ever smile again. This year I knew I would. Last year I didn't think I could live with the pain of losing Cayden. This year I know he is near me, and though I will miss him and ache for him and cry for his loss, I know I will live through this.
I know I felt so much more centered because of the love and support I have had from my husband and my other son, from my family and friends, my support group and the many friends I have made there, the people I have met through my journey thus far and my blog friends.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.