Monday, November 9, 2009

Autopsy Shmautopsy

First things first.........we finally got Caydens autopsy results back. All along we thought it was a terratoma........and then the neurologist said she felt it was most likely cancer because of how fast it grew and how much damage it caused in his head. Turns out, thankfully, not to have been cancer. I didn't realize how anxious that word had been making me. I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma 4 years before I got pregnant with Murray. I know no matter what they would have said, and what kind of cancer it was.....I would have felt I put that effing shit into my sweet boys head. So as it turns out it was a malformed vein in his head that tore and bled and continued to bleed. The doctor said it was formed incorrectly from the start and tore early on in my pregnancy. Do not like the fact that my angel was inside me for at least 12 weeks that we knew of with this damned thing bleeding in his head and squishing his brain. So the autopsy showed that this bleed had not penetrated the dura of his brain, meaning it hadn't bled into his actual brain. But it had continued to bleed in his head and forced his brain back and back and squished it more and more until (and here is the most brutal word from the autopsy.....the words I keep hearing in my head) liquifaction necrosis. This damned thing esentially forced his brain back and put some much pressure on it that his brain died and liquified. The old blood had calcified, which is what we saw on the ultrasound and made the doctors think it was a terratoma. I read every word of that 16 page autopsy, on line, looking up words I didn't know (and believe me there were a million of em) trying to piece this together, trying to find a valid reason why, to find an explanation that would put my soul to rest. And you all know that wasn't to be found. Everything about my baby was perfect, and I know this because the pathologist looked at EVERY and I do mean EVERY part of him, and he was PERFECT. EXCEPT THIS ONE LITTLE FUCKING VEIN. One little vein didn't grow correctly and it ripped my son from my life. It cancelled every dream we had for him. It stopped him in his tracks of becoming. ONE VEIN. How is that for life is precious?
So I know the doctors had to look and investigate all of him, in order to know what happened, but I feel so violated for him. Instead of being cuddled up inside me, or in my arms he lay on some cold slab of metal with a doctor holding his organs. It's all just so visceral. I hate it. I hate everything about this.
Now all I have left to get is his birth certificate......and that's it then. There will be no more. Nothing new coming or happening in what was his life. It's done. All that will be left is for us to miss him, to remember him, to hold his spot open in our hearts and in our family.
Thankfully we don't have to wonder what it was any longer, or if there was something that could have been done, or if there was blame to be placed.
You have been gone 3 months now Cayden. Some minutes it feels like 3 years, and others it feels like 3 minutes. I love you. I miss you. I am trying. Honest I am.


  1. I'm so sorry the results were what they were...but i'm also happy it wasn't Cancer. I've learned that there are many times of uncertainty on this journey. Never getting answers, you so desperately want. I want answers, but deep down I know it won't change the outcome. Knowing more won't bring my baby boys back...but knowing would make my heart heal more. I wish you had answers, answers as to why this happened to your sweet Cayden. Lots of *hugs*

  2. It's so hard... we want answers, we don't want answers. I really don't know which is harder. I remember getting Nicholas' result like it was yesterday. The doctors couldn't explain a thing... It's very hard to take when the professionals tell you that your son's death was a "fluke"... not many answers. We know what happened, we just know don't know exactly why.

    Thinking of you, Cristen and your precious boy.