sometimes I sit here and have no idea what to say. I know I haven't blogged in a while and Lord knows many things have raced through my mind. Many things need to be worked out. But I feel sorta numb tonight. There are so many good things going on right now, Murray is just an amazing kid. He finds such joy in everything he does it's infectious. Eric got a floor to do, and he will be going out of town to do it. He is so excited that he has to travel for work. I am having my family over for St. Patricks Day dinner tomorrow night as I have done every St. Patricks Day for years. I have all the hard part done, save for cleaning the toilets tomorrow. Tomorrow is my 4 month wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. I have a job interview on Friday that I am very excited about. Spring seems to be trying to make her appearance. Thank God. The dreary cold and gray days have taken a toll on my soul. My friend is coming next week from New Zealand. All really good things. And yet I am somehow consumed with the not so good. I wonder if this is the "new me"? The post Cayden me? Or is this the me in transition from pre to post Cayden? Is this the still overwhelmingly grief stricken me, who goes through so many days pretending and walking around with a painted on smile, trying to figure out what my next move is? Right now? It's ambien and a pillow.