I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
sometimes I sit here and have no idea what to say. I know I haven't blogged in a while and Lord knows many things have raced through my mind. Many things need to be worked out. But I feel sorta numb tonight. There are so many good things going on right now, Murray is just an amazing kid. He finds such joy in everything he does it's infectious. Eric got a floor to do, and he will be going out of town to do it. He is so excited that he has to travel for work. I am having my family over for St. Patricks Day dinner tomorrow night as I have done every St. Patricks Day for years. I have all the hard part done, save for cleaning the toilets tomorrow. Tomorrow is my 4 month wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. I have a job interview on Friday that I am very excited about. Spring seems to be trying to make her appearance. Thank God. The dreary cold and gray days have taken a toll on my soul. My friend is coming next week from New Zealand. All really good things. And yet I am somehow consumed with the not so good. I wonder if this is the "new me"? The post Cayden me? Or is this the me in transition from pre to post Cayden? Is this the still overwhelmingly grief stricken me, who goes through so many days pretending and walking around with a painted on smile, trying to figure out what my next move is? Right now? It's ambien and a pillow.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.