Thursday, April 1, 2010

could this be me?

I am moving through this life. I have somehow survived the death of my son. I get up everyday now and live. I smile. I laugh. I love. I am living. How can this be? How can I live without him? It seems so strange to me to think that somehow I am finding a way to survive this pain. Somehow I go on with my life even though it feels I have only half my heart, half my soul. The other half of me clearly belongs to Murray and that must be the only way I have come this far. I am fearing more and more getting farther and farther away from the time I had with Cayden. I know I have to continue on, and just like I tell Murray live a long and happy life and be an old old woman before I can go to heaven and be with Cayden, but will he still be waiting for me? People told me that the horrendous spells of soul tearing grief would gradually get less strong and less frequent. I didn't believe it could be so. But seemingly it is true. I can sit here and think of him in the quiet of the night and if I open the door to it, the grief comes gushing in like a river. It baffles me then, that the pain and sadness that is sooo great, so damned huge, can be quelled and I can live a seemingly normal daily life? How does this work? How does my heart lock up the pain so I can do what must be done? I don't get it. I really don't. I know that it's fast approaching 8 months since we said hello and goodbye. At 8 months he will have been gone as long as he was with me. And then the scales tip the other way. I hope my heart is ready for that.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Cristin... you give me chills. It's true isn't? The enormity of this grief that we bare... it truly is amazing that we can go on and live our lives and most people wouldn't know the burden we carry in our hearts. We do it for our children. All of them. The living and the Angels. Cayden would be so proud of you for being such a strong mommy and caring for his brother, Murray. What a gorgeous picture, btw... love the butterfly.