I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
ready and not
I sooo want to be trying to get pregnant again right this damned minute. Doctor said we could start trying in February. Doctor said my weight had nothing to do with what happened to Cayden. Heart and soul scream a different story. I feel I need to lose a good 60 lbs before I will feel comfortable trying again. I am 40 years old. Time is a wasting. Waist is not shrinking. Of course it isn't going to unless I actually DO something about it. I keep telling myself when my taxes come in I will get a membership to a fitness club here. But the problem is I have a stationery bike in my basement. A good one. I have punches to go to the rec center and do pilates. The weather is getting nicer and nicer here and I could easily walk. BUT I AM DOING NOTHING!!! What gives? Where is my inner strength?
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.