I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Who have I become
Cripes I used to be the woman who loved birthdays, celebrations of any kind and babies and pregnancy on anyone. Now I get so damned bitter and resentful and it's ugly. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. My family tries to understand, and excuse my feelings, but I really do hate it. When will the day come that I will just be happy to celebrate a birthday, mine or someone elses, without rewinding in my mind to my last birthday and the joy so tightly woven into the heartbreak? When will the day come that I see a pregnant woman and feel happy for her, not jealousy followed closely by fury at myself? When will the day come that I will look forward to seeing, shopping for, and even holding someone elses baby? Eric says he won't hold another baby until he holds his own. I can see that. I can see me doing that as well. I have a friend whose baby was born at 34 weeks and he is really small, will be in the NICU for another 3 weeks or so. She says she can't wait to put him in my arms. I can't help but wonder will my empty aching arms stand for such an assault? When does the pity party end? When do I just have to suck up and deal and be a normal person? I don't know that I ever will, I sure hope everyone is okay with that.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.