I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Dare to Dream
Such a strange place to be, filled with dread at the approaching 6 month mark and filled with excitement at the prospect of trying again. Feb 5th is 6 months since Cayden took his first breath. 6 months is how long the doctor told us we had to wait to try again, since this was my 2nd c-section and the doc had to cut my uterus vertically this time. Right after we lost Cayden I was so ready to try again, I would have given anything to be pregnant again right away. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. I have needed every minute of these last 5 1/2 months to even get to a place where I could get through a day without hiding out to sob. I have been devouring up the blogs of other lost baby mamas who have been trying for, and getting their rainbow baby. I hope, I pray we get lucky, that God will smile down on us and give us another chance, that Cayden will guide this future baby safely into my womb, that Cayden will stay close to this future baby and keep heirm (her/him) safe and healthy. I pray that Cayden will know how very much I love him, that I love him more today than I did 5 1/2 months ago. I pray that God and his brightest angel Cayden will allow this future baby to live and thrive and like Murray says "come home with us, so I can hold him".
So whirling inside of me is this monstrous storm of conflicting emotions. I will continue to hope and pray and beg. I will continue to follow you other blogging mamas and steal whatever hope and advice I can from your words.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.