I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Friday, January 8, 2010
As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.