Damn I am such a downer blogger lately.
Friday, January 8, 2010
As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.