Friday, January 8, 2010

5 months

As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.
Damn I am such a downer blogger lately.


  1. I think in a way your arms will always be heavy with missing Caden. Its a huge part of our lives that are missing, and we'll never get it back. Even if we go on to have other children, its not the same. Even if we hold our other children, its not the same. You aren't a downer, you are real, this is real. Its who you are right now. Grieve, be angry, be sad. Do what you need to do to get through this time. *hugs*

  2. Oh Cristin - I get it. I wish none of us had to get it... but I get it. The pain is absolutely physical. I'll never forget or get over that feeling of aching for my baby... my body literally shuddered and screamed to have back inside me. It's all true and it's all so bloody hard.

    Thinking of you and Cayden always.

    Lovely Christmas card, btw. What a handsome little guy that Murray is!

  3. You have a right to be a downer blogger. The whole reason why we write these blogs is oftentimes...well...down. So yeah. You definitely have earned the down-ness. I hear ya, I get it. Thinking of you and Cayden.

  4. I was surprised when Gabriel died that the loss had such physical impact on me- grief does have physical aspects. I love the photos of Cayden's balloon celebration. Thanks for your post on my Stepping Stones blog. ((hugs))