Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm here

Two nights ago I must have spent 20 minutes standing in Murrays bedroom doorway just watching him sleep. I was marveling at how big he has gotten. His arms and legs are so long. The way he sleeps now, is not like a baby (although on the rare occasions where he sleeps all hunched with his bum in the air my heart melts) anymore, he looks so grown. I mean don't get me wrong, I know a 4 year old is by no means grown, but he has grown soooo much. Back to my point.......standing in his doorway I realized I have missed so much. I have missed this entire last year. I mean I have been here, I have done all the things a mama should do, even all the things a good mama should do..........but I have still missed so much. In my overwhelming grief and sadness and desperate grip trying to keep "it" together. Whatever "it" is, more often than not "it" is ME. I just haven't been all here for Murray. I haven't noticed him changing and growing. I missed him going from 3 to 4. There are big changes that have happened. I missed them. I didn't see them coming, or happening. All I know is that somehow I missed them. Well mark my word.....I am here now damnit. I am here.

On a different not, I have gone swimming 4 days now. The plan is to go tomorrow as well making it 5 times. Twice last week and 3 times this week. Last week we started with 14 laps, which is 700 meters or yards. I can't remember which. 1650 is a mile so I was just under half a mile. Today I went just OVER half a mile. I am feeling good about it. I am not dreading it like normal. Fingers crossed I can keep it up and increase my energy level and get this ole girl in shape for a baby.

On a sad note, 2 of my dear friends have gone through IVF this last month. One families didn't take, and the other was pregnant for 11 weeks but seemingly lost the baby about 8 weeks. I am so sad for them. It has really sort of sparked the urgency in myself to get Murray a little brother or sister.

Eric and I have been going to a support group 2 times a month since shortly after we lost Cayden. The group is CPNL Colorado Pregnany Newborn Loss group. It has helped us more than we would have ever imagined. The leader is an amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman and she has really been an amazing support this last year. The people in the group have sparked so much thought and conversation within the group and between Eric and I. I will go into this group in more detail in another post, actually can't believe I haven't blogged about it before. At any rate there is a conference on Friday at Red Rocks. I have been helping with the planning and organizing and Eric and I will also be on a Parent Panel. We will be speaking to and taking questions from doctors, nurses and other medical people about comprehensive care for families who have lost babies. Does anyone have anything they would like the medical community to know good or bad?? I pray I have the words and strength to reach these people. Something I say could just make or break the hardest day in the life of some future baby lost mama. Jezzzuz no pressure.

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