I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Have such a twisted up anxious feeling in my stomach tonight. If this is any indication of how tomorrow is going to go, (Cayden's due date) I think I might have to just stay in bed. Is it going to feel like this for every big day that is coming up? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years? I want to scream........you should be here with me right now. There should be a sweet white cradle in my room next to my bed instead of books on grieving on my nightstand. I don't want to learn whatever lesson I am supposed to be learning. I don't want to shoulder this pain. What I want is you.....my sweet dark haired boy to be in my arms. I would be singing to you and trying to keep your big brother from loving on you too roughly. I would be trying to figure out who you look like the most Daddy or Murray. I would be nursing you and worrying that you were getting enough milk. I would be inspecting your circumcision and belly button making sure they were healing well. I would be making everyone who dared step foot near you wash their hands twice. I would be guiding your big brother on how to be my helper. I would be watching you sleep for hours instead of sleeping. I would be. Right now I am not. Give me strength to get through the day.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.