Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Have such a twisted up anxious feeling in my stomach tonight. If this is any indication of how tomorrow is going to go, (Cayden's due date) I think I might have to just stay in bed. Is it going to feel like this for every big day that is coming up? Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years? I want to scream........you should be here with me right now. There should be a sweet white cradle in my room next to my bed instead of books on grieving on my nightstand. I don't want to learn whatever lesson I am supposed to be learning. I don't want to shoulder this pain. What I want is you.....my sweet dark haired boy to be in my arms. I would be singing to you and trying to keep your big brother from loving on you too roughly. I would be trying to figure out who you look like the most Daddy or Murray. I would be nursing you and worrying that you were getting enough milk. I would be inspecting your circumcision and belly button making sure they were healing well. I would be making everyone who dared step foot near you wash their hands twice. I would be guiding your big brother on how to be my helper. I would be watching you sleep for hours instead of sleeping. I would be. Right now I am not. Give me strength to get through the day.