it's only on the surface

I went to my cousins 18th birthday party tonight. She is filipino so it was a pretty big deal, semi formal dinner dance. Alot of my cousins were there and my fav Aunt and Uncle. Murray was doing his charming little thing dancing and having a big time. I love to watch him.....he has such joy and charisma. It came to me though tonight, my smile and happiness is only on the surface. It doesn't begin to touch my heart and soul, that is a dark and broken place that happiness hasn't found it's way back to.
There were helium balloons and Murray being 3 played with them all night and took one with him when we left. I thought he was going to take it home.......but he let it go......sent it up to heaven to his baby brother Cayden. What would I do without this sweet honery little man?
6 weeks ago tonight was our last time together Cayden. I held you to my chest all night skin to skin. I watched you breath and traced the lines of your face. And tonight.........tonight........tonight just sucks. I miss you so much I want to scream. Instead I will curl up between your Daddy and your big brother and try to remember every thing and every moment I had with you.