I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
not sure if all this internet is a good and helpful thing for me. I have been devouring the internet looking for support, help, something. I don't even know what I am trying to find, all I know is I won't find Cayden there. I have been reading Trying to Conceive stuff on Babycenter and Loss in 2nd 3rd trimester stuff and devouring other womens blogs. Part of me takes solace in other women knowing my heart and my pain but it scares the sh*t out of me too........alot of these wonderful women are a wreck years down their road. I do not want to still be a wreck that far down the road. I am only a month out........today..........my Cayden slipped away 4 weeks ago today and my pain is very real and raw and I don't see an end in sight..........but I know I will find my way back to some sort of happiness. I know this because I am a mother.........and Murray is depending on me to guide him through this life and he deserves all of me or at least the best that's left of me. So I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, putting on a brave face when it's needed and sneaking away on occasion to cry my heart out for the child I am missing. And someday down this road I will feel honest happiness and know that it's how it should be and know that I am who Cayden would want me to be. I will never ever not miss him or long for him or feel the empty spot in our family, but it doesn't honor him for me to lay down and quit. I will be a new version of me.......and if I have learned anything from other womens blogs......I can be a pretty good version of the old me. I hope it will be enough, I hope and pray I do right by Murray and Cayden. I hope when I get to heaven Cayden will hug me and say "good job mama, I knew you could do it".
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.