Line from Greys

Grief may be a thing we all have in common but it looks different on everyone.
It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad....
the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That's how you stay alive, when it hurts so much you can't breath. that's how you survive.
By remembering that one day somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way.
It won't hurt this much.
Grief comes in it's own time for everyone. In it's own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty.
The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
And let it go when we can.
The very worst part is the very minute you think you are past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time it takes your breath away.
there are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

This was the closing from the season opener of Greys Anatomy. Strange how descriptive it is of all of us lost baby mamas in our different ways. Strange also how my head can KNOW something but my heart simply won't. My heart feels like it will be shattered forever that I will never let the smile on my face reach my soul. I don't know where I fall in the clinical 5 stages of grief, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it all seems to feel the same.

Cayden left me 7 weeks ago yesterday. Next Weds the 30th is his due date. Those are the facts. But when I lay here at night......my heart and soul search for him.......reach for him.......and all I am left to do is cling to the memory of him and ache for him.