Had a bad day today. Eric and I just aren't connecting at all. He is quiet and I think something must be bugging him that he isn's sharing with me. I had to go to my 6 week post partum and being in that parking lot, that building, that office.........I cried the whole time. I had to fill out the post partum depression form wich asks how old your baby is. I wrote in big capital letters HE SHOULD BE 6 WEEKS TODAY. Then came all the questions, am I sleeping? NO. Am I crying YES. how much ALOT. Am I happy? NO. do i see the joy in things like i did before ? ah hell no. things like that. So they had me come into the nurses office to be sure i am not depressed on top of overwhelming sadness i keep with me at all times. the nurse practioner turns out to be a friend of my family and was very very kind and positve. a little weird getting a pap and breast exam from someone you have had family funtions with,,,but comforting too.
So anyway Eric and I had planned a date night......got a sitter........going to go to a movie and dinner and then come home to "reconnect as it were". But I was off and he was off sending me further off..........tears sitting right at the surface. I guess I am just not strong enough for the two of us to be off. So no reconnection tonight at all.......in fact pretty far away from each other right now. He is watching baseball and I am 1 1.2 ambiens into leaving for the night, murray is trying valiently to cheer me up with hugs and love. I know this kid will save my life. I love him for everything that he is. i miss cayden for everything he was and would have been.