Monday, September 14, 2009

I feel you Cayden

I went camping this last weekend with my parents and brother and sister in law, my nieces, some friends and Murray. It was bittersweet to say the least. I wasn't sure when we talked about this camping trip if I would be able to do it, as I would have been 2 weeks away from the scheduled c-section for Cayden. We all know how that turned out. booooo
At any rate it was a really great trip. I felt so connected to Murray, like I haven't been in soo long. I know he has felt it. Even when I am here with him, trying to concentrate on him, part of me is elsewhere. But this weekend I was all his and he ate it up. We took a hike "mama, you hike? you can hike mama??" and he was so happy. I felt a glimmer of my old happy self coming through. Of course then I started to feel guilty and sad. How could I be happy. How could I laugh and have fun when my baby was gone?? But.......I suppose it was a small step to the new version of me. I told a woman I know this weekend that Murray is depending on me, and not just for his pb&js. But for his life, for a happy life. He needs me to be a mama who is there with him and for him and his daddy. I guess this weekend was one step in that direction.


  1. I'm so glad that it was a great trip. I think it is ok to be happy b/c would our babies really want us to be sad and miserable all the time? No way!! I am glad you experienced happy on your trip and I hope more comes your way. Please try not to feel guilty. I think it's awesome you had a great connection with your son Murray. I bet he enjoyed your time so much!!

  2. Glad to hear you had a peaceful trip. It is so important to connect to our children (the one's here and the one's not). I remember feeling soooo guilty for so long, on so many levels. Still do, at times. But, I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our Angels is continue to be the mommy we would always have been.

    Love to you.

  3. Good for you, I'm glad you went and had a special connection with Murray. One day at a time. Some will be harder than others. This new journey will not be easy but I know you can do it. Take care and God Bless.