I went camping this last weekend with my parents and brother and sister in law, my nieces, some friends and Murray. It was bittersweet to say the least. I wasn't sure when we talked about this camping trip if I would be able to do it, as I would have been 2 weeks away from the scheduled c-section for Cayden. We all know how that turned out. booooo
At any rate it was a really great trip. I felt so connected to Murray, like I haven't been in soo long. I know he has felt it. Even when I am here with him, trying to concentrate on him, part of me is elsewhere. But this weekend I was all his and he ate it up. We took a hike "mama, you hike? you can hike mama??" and he was so happy. I felt a glimmer of my old happy self coming through. Of course then I started to feel guilty and sad. How could I be happy. How could I laugh and have fun when my baby was gone?? But.......I suppose it was a small step to the new version of me. I told a woman I know this weekend that Murray is depending on me, and not just for his pb&js. But for his life, for a happy life. He needs me to be a mama who is there with him and for him and his daddy. I guess this weekend was one step in that direction.
4 months ago