I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Murray started preschool officially today. My poor little prince was trying so hard to be brave. I woke him up with breakfast in bed (scrambled egg with cheese cuz Amo said he needed protein) and grape juice. He was excited at first, then thought better of it and got upset. We made a deal that I would take him somewhere fun after school which of course didn't end up happening, but that was his choice. So he decided it would be ok to go to preschool with endless promises that mama would come get him when it was over cuz mama was too old to go to preschool. Then as soon as we pulled up to school the tears started rolling in........he was wiping his eyes and trying to hard NOT to cry it almost made me cry right then and there. Took him in and when I started to leave.....he started to get upset. The teacher grabbed him and gave me the nod to go. Barely made it to the car and lost it. The tears were on free flow. Came home and got Caydens blanket out of the tupperware in the closet to smell him and really let the tears flow. Cayden would have been 4 weeks old today, or should have still been safely inside me still waiting till the 23rd when the doc planned to take him and Murray was at preschool........where he didn't HAVE to be. I don't work.......he doesn't have to go. About an hour in the head lady at the school called to tell me he was fine........no tears......no questions of when it was over.......just playing, painting and having a great time. I sure wish the head guy from heaven could call me and tell me the same thing about Cayden.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.