I'm just so sad

I have just come through the worst weekend. Not of my life, we all know what weekend that was. But it's been 6 months and try as I might, I could not help but thinking back to what I was doing 6 months ago. All day Friday I kept remembering the last few kicks I felt. The fear and hope Eric and I shared. The feeling I had when Cayden was born and looked soo good, so perfect. The sound of his little cry in the delivery room. The crazy reasonless hope I had that he was going to be okay. How could someone so perfect be so broken, he had to be ok. I remember this ridiculous elation I felt. I just knew he was going to beat the odds. Saturday I kept thinking back to the fear of them taking him for his MRI and the way my hope faded the longer we had to wait for the results. I remember vividly Eric and I walking in to see our boy in the NICU and joking with the doctors as I saw them looking over his scan, again assuming it was going to be good news and they were going to be able to fix whatever was wrong with him. I remember the look in the doctors eyes as she sat us down to give us the worst news of our lives. That there was nothing that could be done. No sudden healing as the song says. I will never ever as long as I live forget the feeling of my heart ripping open when I knew his time was fading. I remember his baptism, the kindness in the Priests eyes as he spoke to me. I remember the beauty of him my son being placed in my arms. The feel of his skin, so soft and warm. I will remember always the feel of his skin against my skin, his little heart beating against mine, his sweet breath as I kissed him over and over and over. I thought all day Sunday of how I spent this day 6 months ago just holding my sweet baby, letting his daddy hold him and standing watch. I remember being so grateful that he lived. That he lived through my birthday, he gave me the gift of himself. He fought and gave me the best gift I have ever received. As I went to bed on Sunday I remembered laying in my hospital bed holding my baby angel skin to skin and tracing his face until he couldn't fight it any longer and God called him home. And Monday was the day I remembered all day, every minute of that brutal day the earth shattering pain, the literal breaking of my heart as he slipped away. I remember saying over and over "I'm so sad" and damnit it hasn't eased up a bit. I am still sooo sad. I have relived every moment of your short life Cayden. Every moment. I am so glad I am your mama. I will live this pain, I will bear it, because it means that you were here, that you are here. That you came through me to brighten my world. I have said it before and I still feel it, I just wish I could go back in time to relive those 3 short days with you. Maybe tonight when I close my eyes I will feel you near. I love you my angel. I love you.

$$work$$job$$benefits$$baby$$

oh bloody hell, just when I though we were cleared for take off to try for another baby.......reality comes like a comet and lands smack in my lap. My unemployment runs out in March as does my Cobra insurance. Checked into paying for our own insurance and even if we pay the 43 kagillion dollars it is going to cost us just to protect ourselves from something catastrophic there isn't maternity coverage. Knowing the fact that I will be high risk cuz of my age alone, and factor in the struggle Cayden had I know I will be getting alot of u/s and I know I will have to have another c-section. soooooooooo have to add get a job, no make that good job with benefits before we can get back on the horse as it were. so now to make matters worse I don't want to work days. I do not want to miss what little time I have left with Murray who is in preschool for just another year and a half. I know my family would help out, but it's about me, I don't want to miss out. Yeah, so I need the perfect night job with benefits and I need it stat. Also the hardwood floor business (which is what my husband does) has been painfully slow so he has not been working either. Not a good combination of events for someone racing towards the 6 month angelversary. AND I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN MY BEACH GETAWAY!!!!

Dare to Dream

Such a strange place to be, filled with dread at the approaching 6 month mark and filled with excitement at the prospect of trying again. Feb 5th is 6 months since Cayden took his first breath. 6 months is how long the doctor told us we had to wait to try again, since this was my 2nd c-section and the doc had to cut my uterus vertically this time. Right after we lost Cayden I was so ready to try again, I would have given anything to be pregnant again right away. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. I have needed every minute of these last 5 1/2 months to even get to a place where I could get through a day without hiding out to sob. I have been devouring up the blogs of other lost baby mamas who have been trying for, and getting their rainbow baby. I hope, I pray we get lucky, that God will smile down on us and give us another chance, that Cayden will guide this future baby safely into my womb, that Cayden will stay close to this future baby and keep heirm (her/him) safe and healthy. I pray that Cayden will know how very much I love him, that I love him more today than I did 5 1/2 months ago. I pray that God and his brightest angel Cayden will allow this future baby to live and thrive and like Murray says "come home with us, so I can hold him".

So whirling inside of me is this monstrous storm of conflicting emotions. I will continue to hope and pray and beg. I will continue to follow you other blogging mamas and steal whatever hope and advice I can from your words.

5 months

As I sit here I looked at the date and the time. 5 months ago exactly I was sitting in my hospital bed holding my boy Cayden and realizing that his end was heartbreakingly near. Aug 7 was my 40th birthday and my angel gave me the best gift of all, the gift of himself. I know he fought for me, fought to be with me and not leave me on my birthday. I know this in every cell in my body. But 5 months ago at this very moment, I held my beautiful dark wavy haired son, skin to skin. I traced the outlines of his face and drank him in. It was during this quiet time that I realized his breathing had slowed and his heart was working harder. What I wouldn't give to have those moments back. The pain isn't any less. I still feel the weight of his loss pressing on my chest. I still have to work so hard to keep it together most of the time. When I sit here late at night and let myself feel, it hurts so bad. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. When I first lost him I read of women whose arms ached. I thought well that's crazy talk, my arms won't ache. Well they do. They feel so heavy it's hard to hold them up to type. The weight of NOT having him weighs me down. Have you ever had that feeling when you have held something heavy for too long and your arms ache and you can't hold them up, they feel heavy? That's what my arms feel like when I let my guard down. Heavy with the lack of him.

Damn I am such a downer blogger lately.

2010

Well (does it seem I start all my blog entries with the word Well??), it's 2010. No longer the year I was pregnant with Cayden. No longer the year Cayden was born. No longer the year I had my precious 3 days with Cayden. No longer. So now what? I look forward to 2010, I have great hope for 2010. What do I hope for in this new year? I hope to get pregnant again and to have a healthy happy pregnancy and bring home a healthy happy baby. I hope Eric gets some steady work and we can catch up on some of the mounting bills. I hope that we can continue to love each other and support each other as we continue down this shitty road of grief. I hope somehow we can steal away for a much needed tropical get away. I hope. I guess that's the main thing. I still have hope. Hope is a good thing. Hope can carry me a long way. I know cuz hope is what carried me through the initial diagnosis of Cayden through his entire short life.

I have been reading alot of blogs and there is a theme going through alot of them about what your word of the year is. It has started me thinking. What would my word of the year be for 2010? I guess hope would be it. So come on 2010 treat me right. I hope.

Still here

I haven't posted in a long time. I haven't even really checked out many of the blogs I usually follow. I don't know why. I wonder if I have been hiding, or if it has just taken every ounce of strength I have to get through Christmas. I just don't know.

I do know that I am so thankful this Christmas is over. Oh how I wanted to just let it pass, to just not look at it and not deal with it. But I couldn't. My 3 year old precious boy depends on me. He was so eager for all things Christmas this year too, I couldn't deny him these things. So I turned on the Christmas music, put up the tree and hung the lights. I hope he won't remember the sadness behind my smile. I hope he will only remember joy. But this boy is so sensitive, as we hung the ornaments on the tree he looked up at me and said "I miss Cayden". If he only knew how much I was aching for his baby brother at that moment. Christmas just wasn't anything close to what I had envisioned in my dreams when I found out I was pregnant with Cayden. I was going to have a 3 month old....and a 3 year old. There would be two precious babies sitting with Santa. I would be shopping for 2 little ones.......but instead of toys and stocking stuffers for Cayden I donated the $ for a bereavement kit in his memory. wrong wrong wrong

I spent some time tonight catching up with the blogs I follow and a few of the women I glean strength and hope from have been blessed with Rainbow Babies. I am so happy for them. It truly gives me hope. And hope is something I need a double helping of. We are just over a month away from having clearance to start trying again. I am so past ready to be pregnant again, and in the same breath absolutely terrified.

A friend of mine mentioned Cayden on his FB status tonight, in a sort of remembrance of him. It was unsolicited and so very welcome. I haven't cried in a couple days, but seeing that and knowing that somebody else was thinking of my son opened up my flood gates. I think I am due for a doozy of a cry jag.

So I guess not posting a status for weeks lends itself to a scattered blog entry. Hoping to be on more, to sort out my thoughts as we approach a new road.

can't turn it off

I can't seem to turn my brain off. Especially at night. I get all cozy and sleepy laying next to Murray and he drifts off to dreams and my brain kicks in to hyper drive and I can't shut it off. I lay there thinking about what could have/should have been, I replay every moment I had with Cayden, I think about what Murray would have done with a baby brother here and not in heaven, I think about how are we going to pay for Christmas, how are we going to pay for life, am I going to do the work to lose more weight so I can get pregs without worrying about THAT, I worry about my cobra expiring and how we are going to pay for insurance, I worry about my unemployment coming to an end and not being able to find a job, not being able to find the right job with benefits and the ability to work nights so I won't miss a moment of Murrays life. I can't shut it off. I lay there and try to focus on whatever is on tv......to drag my mind away from the skipping record it keeps replaying and I can't. I lay there and think should I get up and take a xanax? an ambien? does that make me a druggie? why can't i deal with this crap on my own without drugs? why did the doctor prescribe them if i shouldn't take them? it's a vicious circle. an unending vicious cycle. okay tonight i think i will go with ambien. that should quiet the brain a bit. at least for 5 hours.

what the hell was the point of this blog post anyway? ugh.