We had the Celebration of Cayden's Life on Friday night. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It was wrong wrong wrong wrong. I should not have had to do that. I should still be pregnant. Cayden should still be safely inside of me. I should be washing onsies and getting his room and bassinette ready. I should not be sitting here wondering what happens next? What do I do next? Who am I now? How can I laugh and be happy ever again without him? How can I not be happy when Murray is counting on me?
We had over 125 people come to celebrate with us. We all wore bright and cheerful colors which was wonderful. I didn't want it to feel heavy and dark. We had his celebration at the Butterfly Pavilion, in the gardens. We released 50 yellow balloons and 3 blue ones as a symbol of his 3 days here with us. Eric, Murray and I released the blue ones. We were waiting for the bagpiper to finish playing Amazing Grace to release our balloons and mine slipped off the string and flew to the heavens. When I looked up I knew that mine just couldn't wait to get to Cayden so it broke free and flew on ahead. I guess it was as it should be.
But it still feels wrong damnit. My arms are empty and my heart is broken.