I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Monday, August 24, 2009
planning this is wrong
We have scheduled for Friday evening to Celebrate Cayden's Life at the Butterfly Pavilion. We were driving by it on the way back from the mortuary a week ago of all things and I saw it and mentioned perhaps we could do his celebration there. Both Eric and my mom agreed that it would be perfect. Somehow I reached another amazing person there who swung me the most amazing deal because she was touched by Cayden's story. The moment I walked into their garden I knew it was the perfect place, I was so scared it would be too expensive but somehow, again, the kindness of strangers. We are even going to have a butterfly release inside the rainforest. We are also planning on releasing balloons with 3 special ones for the 3 days we had with my angel. Now to figure out the rest of the celebration, get the music, pictures, food and everything else done. I have been writing in my head for the last few days what I want to say...........have never felt so much pressure. I want it to be so perfect for him. I know it won't be the last time I talk to him, or about him.......but I am so afraid my words will fail me. Every time I sit down to do something for his celebration I break down. It is just SO wrong to be planning this for my child. For my son. He should be here in my arms. I should be too busy to blog. I should be tracking nursing and wet diapers. I should not be looking at photos of him and wondering what he would have been like. Would he have been a fussy baby? Would he have been calm and easily calmed like my Murray? Would his hair have stayed dark? Can he see me? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how much I miss him? Can he possibly know how broken hearted I am?
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.