planning this is wrong

We have scheduled for Friday evening to Celebrate Cayden's Life at the Butterfly Pavilion. We were driving by it on the way back from the mortuary a week ago of all things and I saw it and mentioned perhaps we could do his celebration there. Both Eric and my mom agreed that it would be perfect. Somehow I reached another amazing person there who swung me the most amazing deal because she was touched by Cayden's story. The moment I walked into their garden I knew it was the perfect place, I was so scared it would be too expensive but somehow, again, the kindness of strangers. We are even going to have a butterfly release inside the rainforest. We are also planning on releasing balloons with 3 special ones for the 3 days we had with my angel. Now to figure out the rest of the celebration, get the music, pictures, food and everything else done. I have been writing in my head for the last few days what I want to say...........have never felt so much pressure. I want it to be so perfect for him. I know it won't be the last time I talk to him, or about him.......but I am so afraid my words will fail me. Every time I sit down to do something for his celebration I break down. It is just SO wrong to be planning this for my child. For my son. He should be here in my arms. I should be too busy to blog. I should be tracking nursing and wet diapers. I should not be looking at photos of him and wondering what he would have been like. Would he have been a fussy baby? Would he have been calm and easily calmed like my Murray? Would his hair have stayed dark? Can he see me? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how much I miss him? Can he possibly know how broken hearted I am?