Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's been 2 weeks since my sweet Angel Cayden was born. So hard to believe. It seems so long ago, and yet only moments. I have a strong attachment to yellow butterflies and the backstory for me is when I had my son Murray in May of '06 I saw a yellow butterfly EVERY SINGLE DAY of that summer and it always made me feel bright and happy to be a new mama. I felt like it was Murray's talisman, his symbol of strength and tenderness. When we got the news that Cayden was facing such trouble in May of this year I would see a yellow butterfly and it would make me feel like Cayden or God was sending me signs and I would feel a moments peace. While I held him in my arms before he slipped away to be with Jesus I asked him to send me a yellow butterfly from time to time so I would know he was ok. I have seen so many butterflies in the last week and half (since I got out of the hospital). It does make me feel a moments peace, but also breaks my heart. I know in time I will feel only joy a the sight of them fluttering around my life, but now it makes me wish my sweet Cayden was here, in my arms. Several family and friends who know the significance of this sign have also seen them. My father had one flit all around him on the golf course a few days ago. He called me, my husband and my mother crying. Today sitting on the porch with Eric we saw one fluttering around Murray. It made me wonder if Cayden was up in heaven directing the path of this butterfly to my line of sight to bring me peace. I tell Murray that yellow butterflies make me think of my boys, both him and his little brother Cayden and that they make me happy. He is now on the lookout for them too.