I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's been 2 weeks since my sweet Angel Cayden was born. So hard to believe. It seems so long ago, and yet only moments. I have a strong attachment to yellow butterflies and the backstory for me is when I had my son Murray in May of '06 I saw a yellow butterfly EVERY SINGLE DAY of that summer and it always made me feel bright and happy to be a new mama. I felt like it was Murray's talisman, his symbol of strength and tenderness. When we got the news that Cayden was facing such trouble in May of this year I would see a yellow butterfly and it would make me feel like Cayden or God was sending me signs and I would feel a moments peace. While I held him in my arms before he slipped away to be with Jesus I asked him to send me a yellow butterfly from time to time so I would know he was ok. I have seen so many butterflies in the last week and half (since I got out of the hospital). It does make me feel a moments peace, but also breaks my heart. I know in time I will feel only joy a the sight of them fluttering around my life, but now it makes me wish my sweet Cayden was here, in my arms. Several family and friends who know the significance of this sign have also seen them. My father had one flit all around him on the golf course a few days ago. He called me, my husband and my mother crying. Today sitting on the porch with Eric we saw one fluttering around Murray. It made me wonder if Cayden was up in heaven directing the path of this butterfly to my line of sight to bring me peace. I tell Murray that yellow butterflies make me think of my boys, both him and his little brother Cayden and that they make me happy. He is now on the lookout for them too.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.