I am starting this blog to help my heart heal and feel and deal.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Go Back in Time
I am getting ready for bed, doing our new usual routine......Murray and I brush our teeth together and he gets a kick out of getting our stuff out, wetting our toothbrushes and swishing our mouths out........and I flash back to 2 weeks ago tonight. My sweet Cayden was still safely inside my womb, we were eating a late night dinner from Wendys as we had been out and about all day getting prepared to go to the hospital the next day. We knew Cayden had a battle on his hands so we were set for a long spell at the NICU with him. I had keys made for everyone who would be helping us out, laundry was done, big bag of toys and snacks packed to keep Murray busy long hours at the hospital. We went to bed so nervous but yet still so full of hope. Little did we know how much our world was going to change. I wish we could go back 2 weeks. I am not asking for a different outcome (although God knows I would take it no questions asked). But I want the time I had with Cayden back to do over. I want to feel him in my arms, I want to feel him breath, I want him to look up at me and know he was safe. I want all those moments I had back. Just one more time. Tomorrow is 2 weeks since you were born sweet Cayden. I ache for you. I love you so much. I miss you every moment.
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
I am 40, married to Eric the most amazing man since '06 (although we have been together since '98. I have 2 step sons Devon 15 and Riley 12 and my amazingly wonderful son Murray 3 and my angel baby boy Cayden who slipped from my arms to Gods in August '09.