Still here

I haven't posted in a long time. I haven't even really checked out many of the blogs I usually follow. I don't know why. I wonder if I have been hiding, or if it has just taken every ounce of strength I have to get through Christmas. I just don't know.

I do know that I am so thankful this Christmas is over. Oh how I wanted to just let it pass, to just not look at it and not deal with it. But I couldn't. My 3 year old precious boy depends on me. He was so eager for all things Christmas this year too, I couldn't deny him these things. So I turned on the Christmas music, put up the tree and hung the lights. I hope he won't remember the sadness behind my smile. I hope he will only remember joy. But this boy is so sensitive, as we hung the ornaments on the tree he looked up at me and said "I miss Cayden". If he only knew how much I was aching for his baby brother at that moment. Christmas just wasn't anything close to what I had envisioned in my dreams when I found out I was pregnant with Cayden. I was going to have a 3 month old....and a 3 year old. There would be two precious babies sitting with Santa. I would be shopping for 2 little ones.......but instead of toys and stocking stuffers for Cayden I donated the $ for a bereavement kit in his memory. wrong wrong wrong

I spent some time tonight catching up with the blogs I follow and a few of the women I glean strength and hope from have been blessed with Rainbow Babies. I am so happy for them. It truly gives me hope. And hope is something I need a double helping of. We are just over a month away from having clearance to start trying again. I am so past ready to be pregnant again, and in the same breath absolutely terrified.

A friend of mine mentioned Cayden on his FB status tonight, in a sort of remembrance of him. It was unsolicited and so very welcome. I haven't cried in a couple days, but seeing that and knowing that somebody else was thinking of my son opened up my flood gates. I think I am due for a doozy of a cry jag.

So I guess not posting a status for weeks lends itself to a scattered blog entry. Hoping to be on more, to sort out my thoughts as we approach a new road.

can't turn it off

I can't seem to turn my brain off. Especially at night. I get all cozy and sleepy laying next to Murray and he drifts off to dreams and my brain kicks in to hyper drive and I can't shut it off. I lay there thinking about what could have/should have been, I replay every moment I had with Cayden, I think about what Murray would have done with a baby brother here and not in heaven, I think about how are we going to pay for Christmas, how are we going to pay for life, am I going to do the work to lose more weight so I can get pregs without worrying about THAT, I worry about my cobra expiring and how we are going to pay for insurance, I worry about my unemployment coming to an end and not being able to find a job, not being able to find the right job with benefits and the ability to work nights so I won't miss a moment of Murrays life. I can't shut it off. I lay there and try to focus on whatever is on tv......to drag my mind away from the skipping record it keeps replaying and I can't. I lay there and think should I get up and take a xanax? an ambien? does that make me a druggie? why can't i deal with this crap on my own without drugs? why did the doctor prescribe them if i shouldn't take them? it's a vicious circle. an unending vicious cycle. okay tonight i think i will go with ambien. that should quiet the brain a bit. at least for 5 hours.

what the hell was the point of this blog post anyway? ugh.

this is not my beautiful life

I wish I could explain what it's like to feel so lost in your own life. I keep a running list of things I need to do, or places I need to go or call, shopping I need to do, things I hope to get done. Every day I look at this notebook and try to find something I have it in me to do. I try to find the energy to do something, anything so that I can look at myself in the mirror and not see a daily failure. I wouldn't say I was ever a very busy girl. I have always been a girl who could lay around for days at a time and watch tv and do a whole lot of nothing. But now.........after losing Cayden, I got nothing. I literally have to force myself to do anything. If I could lay in bed all day every day forever..........but that's not entirely true. Murray is here, right next to me and I do want to be in this life, if not for myself right now, then for him. So no, I wouldn't want to just quit, but it sure feels like something close to it.

Our fridge is leaking water and it's freezing along with all the fruits and vegg I have bought in hopes of eating more healthily. The milk is freezing, the bread is getting water leaked onto it. It's not a brand new fridge, but it was fairly new and new to us and a pretty decent one. I was trying to clean it out and chip the ice off the jelly for the 4th time in 2 days and just about lost my shit. I realized that no matter what we get, if it's nice and we make every attempt to take care of it and keep it nice.......it gets some sort of issue. Examples: windows in my van that had to be locked in the closed position because the window motor died, 1 window in erics car won't open, and 1 keeps falling open, the drivers side door handle has broke so you have to know the trick to be able to get out, the drivers window doesn't close right so you have a whooosh of air at all times, the gear shift handle broke completely off, if you bumped your knee on the door of my old van the door would lock and unlock. That's just the vehicle issues. Our toilets in our home take turns working and not working, running and needing the handle jiggled, or running so much you have to take the back of the tank off and be a plumber EVERY time you pee. The garage door opener on the side of the house just won't work, ever. One of our dusk to dawn lights won't ever turn off. Our motion detector light in the back yard turns on if the wind blows. Our doorbell rings when someone rings the neighbor across the streets door. Are you getting a theme here? And and and............a vein in our sons brain is malformed giving us only 3 days with him. COME ON!!! It's becoming a bad joke. This is NOT my beautiful life.

who's true

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about a friend of mine/ours who hasn't really spoken to me about Cayden or our loss at all and how it was surprising. I told her some people have it and some don't. I looked around when it was pouring tears and heartache and I saw who was standing there with me. I KNOW who my friends are and who my aquaintances are. (how the hell do you spell that??) I can thank my son for that gift. I will never wonder who would be there for me. I KNOW. I suppose I shouldn't have found that itt was really sort of a surprise to me who I found myself leaning on, confiding in, being honest with.......I mean aside from the obvious (my husband, parents, sisters in law and brother)......there were a few other people who really blasted through and were right there for me and continue to be. Continue to get that it isn't over. Continue to know that I am not the same, never will be but will ride this out with me and stand by the new me whoever she turns out to be. I am eternally grateful to these women and men who seem to pop up just when I need them most.......to listen to me bitch, or cry, or be there if I need to talk about anything other than my loss. Which brings me to thank you's. How do you thank people for the support they give. I mean other than saying thank you when I hang up after crying on someones shoulder, or after they walk 5K with me to honor my son, text me on what should have been Caydens 2 or 3 month birthday. It just doesn't seem enough. I sent thank you cards to everyone who cooked for us, sent flowers, donated $$, walked with us.....things like that. But that just doesn't feel like enough.

Topic change..........lost baby mama blogs I read going on to have babies. Holy cow, not sure if everyone follows the same blogs.......but there are alot of babies being born or being cooked up. I am chosing to grab some hope from all these successes. Eric and I have the tentative go ahead for February. I still have a fair bit of weight I want to lose........better get this old gal in gear.

Another topic change...........what about Christmas cards? I have always been really big on sending photos as or with our Christmas cards. I have even done a newsletter a few times. What about this year? What do I do? Do I pick all black and white photos of each of our children? Murray, step sons and Cayden and put them all on it? Do I forego the whole card game this year? Is that fair to Cayden. Shouldn't I celebrate the fact that he was here? Oh hell I don't know. It's late. I should sleep.

Sunday we did a 5K. The Walk for Fetal Hope. We walked with over 30 people on Caydens team and there were over 5 people who donated and didn't walk. I have done the calculations and we raised over $765 in honor of my boy. I am amazed and happy that we were able to get out and do something so positive and good. I made yellow bandanas with a butterfly and Caydens name on them for all of us walkers to be united and remember just exactly what baby we were walking for. We had family and friends and friends of friends come out to walk with us. It really does fill my heart. I made a sign to post along the race route so people could remember and I think my sign and the bandanas turned our really cool. We even ran into our new friend from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. She was a friend of my cousins and when she saw my name on the request for photographer sheet she requested to come and photograph Cayden. It is so nice that we had and have more than just the link of my sadest day. And I even ran some of the way (sooo not a runner) and did run the last bit through the finish line.
I am sure my boy was looking down on us and thinking "way to go mom and dad.......so proud of you" and that makes me happy. I am really thinking I might like to become a benefit walk junkie.....spose there are way worse things I could do.

Autopsy Shmautopsy

First things first.........we finally got Caydens autopsy results back. All along we thought it was a terratoma........and then the neurologist said she felt it was most likely cancer because of how fast it grew and how much damage it caused in his head. Turns out, thankfully, not to have been cancer. I didn't realize how anxious that word had been making me. I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma 4 years before I got pregnant with Murray. I know no matter what they would have said, and what kind of cancer it was.....I would have felt I put that effing shit into my sweet boys head. So as it turns out it was a malformed vein in his head that tore and bled and continued to bleed. The doctor said it was formed incorrectly from the start and tore early on in my pregnancy. Do not like the fact that my angel was inside me for at least 12 weeks that we knew of with this damned thing bleeding in his head and squishing his brain. So the autopsy showed that this bleed had not penetrated the dura of his brain, meaning it hadn't bled into his actual brain. But it had continued to bleed in his head and forced his brain back and back and squished it more and more until (and here is the most brutal word from the autopsy.....the words I keep hearing in my head) liquifaction necrosis. This damned thing esentially forced his brain back and put some much pressure on it that his brain died and liquified. The old blood had calcified, which is what we saw on the ultrasound and made the doctors think it was a terratoma. I read every word of that 16 page autopsy, on line, looking up words I didn't know (and believe me there were a million of em) trying to piece this together, trying to find a valid reason why, to find an explanation that would put my soul to rest. And you all know that wasn't to be found. Everything about my baby was perfect, and I know this because the pathologist looked at EVERY and I do mean EVERY part of him, and he was PERFECT. EXCEPT THIS ONE LITTLE FUCKING VEIN. One little vein didn't grow correctly and it ripped my son from my life. It cancelled every dream we had for him. It stopped him in his tracks of becoming. ONE VEIN. How is that for life is precious?
So I know the doctors had to look and investigate all of him, in order to know what happened, but I feel so violated for him. Instead of being cuddled up inside me, or in my arms he lay on some cold slab of metal with a doctor holding his organs. It's all just so visceral. I hate it. I hate everything about this.
Now all I have left to get is his birth certificate......and that's it then. There will be no more. Nothing new coming or happening in what was his life. It's done. All that will be left is for us to miss him, to remember him, to hold his spot open in our hearts and in our family.
Thankfully we don't have to wonder what it was any longer, or if there was something that could have been done, or if there was blame to be placed.
You have been gone 3 months now Cayden. Some minutes it feels like 3 years, and others it feels like 3 minutes. I love you. I miss you. I am trying. Honest I am.

a dragon and a pumpkin

Made it through halloween. One holiday down. Murray was the cutest dragon you ever saw. I carved a butterfly on a little tiny pumpkin for my angel boy Cayden.
My mother seems......oh......how do I put this.......not to be getting it. Not to be understanding me lately. I could be wrong, but she doesn't seem to get it when I mention something about Cayden. My parents kept Murray for a little bit yesterday cuz he wanted to throw snowballs with papa. So last night after trick 'r treating and eating chili (our annual tradition) which by the way I feel really really effing proud of myself for 1. decorting our house a bit 2. doing the pumpkin thing with Murray 3. participating with a smile on my face and in my heart in halloween. Anyway sitting at the table last night and my dad is telling me that while he and Murray were building a snowman out back they had a butterfly come visit. I was talking to my dad about it and my mom kept saying "i saw a bee today" "i saw a bee today" "i saw a bee today". Finally I said "mom, I give a shit about bees, it's the butterflies I care about" and she just sortof glossed over it and said "oh well I thought it was too cold for butterflies and bees and was just surprised to see one." I guess I feel surprised that she didn't get how fricken heart sad I was/am and the fact that a butterfly was there with Murray and his Papa was a comfort to me. I feel surprised that she just didn't intuitively know that yesterday would be so bittersweet. She never even asked or looked at me to see how I was doing. I don't know maybe she did and I didn't know it. But damn. I have been forcing myself to go go go as I feel this emotional storm brewing and I feel like if I keep moving it won't catch me. But let me tell you when I slow down just a moment......my eyes fill up, my heart pounds, my arms hang heavy and empty. I wish wish wish I could just leave mid November and not come back till after the New Year is here. And it is really bothering me that my mother, my best friend, the person who knows me better than I know myself doesn't seem to be picking up on this. Cripes sounds like I am just having a big ole pity party and using her as my skape goat. If she ever reads this I know it will hurt her to know this is how I feel. I love you mom. I do. And I know you love me. But I am really really still hurting and I need you to KNOW that.