Scene of the Crime

I have a very dear friend who was pregnant. She got pregnant after I got the initial bad diagnosis about Cayden. She also found out she was having a boy. We share the same OB. She is an older mom and heavy just like me. So many many similarities it's scary. Well I have found out throughout the course of her pregnancy that she was scared to tell me she was pregnant, that she had prayed she would not have a boy and she asked God many times why she was the one put in my path to be a constant reminder, to cause me pain each and every time I saw her. Sadly she is right. It has been a constant reminder. It has been painful each time I see her. But there is also joy and happiness for my friend. I am truly happy for her. She is a wonderful, gracious, empathetic, giving, loving woman who deserves happiness and who has been wonderful with me, to me, for me and about me from day 1. Her baby shower was last weekend and she was afraid to invite me. I was afraid to go. Not sure I could do it. Had planned to get her a gift card, not thinking I could shop in the baby section, let alone the baby boy section. But I did. Somehow I had the strength to spend a couple moments in the baby section to pick a couple cute outfits out for her baby Joshua. I smiled and was friendly and when she started opening gifts I slipped off and went downstairs to watch the kids play Wii. I knew she understood. She has since told me that she is grateful for whatever I can give to her, and understanding of what I can't give.

Well she has been having trouble. Her baby wasn't growing, in fact he was really really tiny. Measuring in at 3 weeks small for his gestational age. She developed hypertension and was on the verge of getting pre-eclampsia. She has been in an out of the hospital, on semi bed rest for a couple of weeks. The trouble is......she just had so much faith that he would be fine, that all she could do was trust in God. All of her friends were of the same mind. It drove me nuts. I was terrified for her, beyond a normal fear. I have realized why. Because in my world......babies die. You can pray, plead, beg and make as many deals and promises as you want to The Big Man, you can have everyone you know doing the same and still babies die.

She was admitted to the hospital earlier in the week and was to stay there until they took Joshua by c-section on Friday. I tried all week to work up the nerve to go see her. Tried every day. Made a plan to go see her every day. My one sister in law Betsy and other friends kept telling me it was a bad idea. That she would understand and I didn't have to go to see her THERE (there being the same damned hospital where I had Cayden). That I could wait for her to get out and she would understand. And I knew she would understand. She is that friend, who gets it. But the mere fact that she does get it makes me want to strive to do better by her. So Friday morning I got the nerve to venture to THAT hospital. My sister in law Betsy and my mom went with me. Hoping to lend me strength. Both of them reassured me that if I got there and couldn't go in, we could turn around and come home.

So in I went. I felt ok going in. Until I got to the front desk on the very same floor and was waiting for my visitor badge from the same woman who had given all my family their visitor badges. Felt my chest closing up on me and the lump in my throat growing at an alarming pace. Slapped on my badge and fished my Xana~x out of my purse and headed down the hall. Luckily she was left where I was right. As I walked the hallways though I couldn't stop the tears. My precious son had lived his entire life on THIS floor of THIS hospital. Every moment of his 3 short days was lived there. I so wish we would have taken him outside in the sunshine for just a moment. Let him breath fresh air and let the sun shine on his tender skin. Hindsight is a bitch and I hate her.

Long story longer I made it. She was moved to tears of appreciation. I am glad I went. Her friend was there, a photographer, who had just recently began doing photos for NILMDTS and the previous night had been her first. So another mother had lost her baby the night before. Another mother had started her journey down this f*cking horrid road.

Joshua was born, terribly small but healthy and strong. His cord had been wrapped around his neck twice, his belly once and his thigh yet another time. Doctors have said it's a miracle he hadn't slipped away in utero. I like to believe perhaps he had some help from an extra special little angel Cayden. I am contemplating another visit tomorrow. One of my wonderful nurses is supposed to be on duty, so I will be able to see her. I dunno. Guess it depends on how much sleep I get and how steady on my feet I feel tomorrow. It's brutal, but I did it. Damnit I did it.