Death and the living

I find it very interesting the explanations we come up with for things like death and all that surrounds it for our children.

Murray was 3 we lost Cayden. It was a very difficult thing to explain to him. We were well aware, from all the reading we did, not to tell him that his brother was sleeping, or had gong to sleep for fear that he would never want to go to sleep again. But it was so difficult to explain to this sweet child that his brother would not be coming back, where he was (in Heaven, above the clouds with God), what the memorial service we had for him was (a way for the people who loved him to remember him and celebrate the fact that he did lived and we will always love him), and the most difficult question of why it had happened (we will NEVER have an answer for this one, and we know this in our heads, but our hearts continually search for a reason why as if we too were 4 years old and think that if we just ask the right person in the right way we will get that ever elusive answer). We wanted to badly to soft pedal and make it easier on him during those moments but we also didn't want to give him false hopes or scare him. He asked so many times if we could take a helicopter or plane ride to heaven and see Cayden, and also if God couldn't just let him come back for a visit with us. His early experience with death has lead to endless questions about cemetaries and cremations. My son doesn't hesitate to talk to anyone about his brother, where he is and his feelings about it. I'm sure he has thrown people completely off their game plan when this comes up, but I hope that more often than not he will brush up against people who will let him talk and use his innocent wisdom as a learning/teaching moment.

He also desperately, almost as desperately as I, wants a baby that we get to bring home. "One that doesn't have to go live with God". He knows that I am trying to get healthy. In his innocence he doesn't see that his mama is too fat to get pregnant safely. I have only told him that I need to get healthy so that we can try to get another baby in my tummy. And he in all his wonderfulness tries to support me and help me. I told him we were not going to eat fast food anymore, because it is not healthy for me, and I am really going to try to do this. So today we were in the drive through getting a drink, no food I promise, and he asks me "hey Mama, isn't this a drive thru??". No judgement, just support. Oh if I could only bottle up his support and take it in my moments of weakness.........there is nothing I couldn't achieve.

And another year begins

As the first day of yet another new year without my son begins I find myself reflecting on my year. I was really feeling pouty because I didn't believe there had been any forward progress in my life this year. Nothing financially that's for sure. Eric and I are still barely and I do mean barely holding on financially. I do start a new job on Monday. I will be a Para Professional (which is a fancy shmancy way of saying teacher without any credentials) at my boy Murray's preschool. I am very very excited about this job. It is THE next best thing to being a stay at home mom, which, when I'm being honest, is my true career goal. I will go in a half hour before he has to start school, and he can come with me and hang out until school starts and I will be right across the hall from him, and be able to take him home with me after school. I will only be working 3 and half hours a day and it is literally right around the corner from our home. The women who work there are wonderful and I think it is going to be a great fit. I think I might be a bit more mouthy and colorful than they are used to, but I don't think it will be a problem. Aaaand Eric is going to be trying for an RJ (Real Job) in January. The starting pay is really good and the benefits will be great. Holy crap, you know you are an adult when you start measuring success by benefits. We both have our fingers crossed that this job will pan out. That could actually be the start of some forward momentum for us in the financial department. But back to 2010, there has been no financial forward movement, and from where I was sitting, in the middle of my pity party with all my short comings and failures piled high around me I couldn't see any forward progress anywhere else. I am still fat, the house is still a gigantic mess, we still have entirely too much crap that doesn't fit in this home of ours, and we still don't have any signs of a new baby entering our lives. I suppose that's why we have friends though. They have the ability to see the things we can't. So I have now been made aware that I am raising an amazingly smart, fun and witty little 4 year old who everyone enjoys being around. We have a 16 year old who is finally starting to see his own self worth and potential and I have a relationship with him now that I never dreamed of having. And most importantly Eric and I have done a hell of alot of heart healing and working through our grief. My counselor literally calls it grief work and I know she is right. It has been work. We have not hid or ran from one single emotion or feeling surrounding our Cayden, we faced them all, big or small head on. We felt each and every feeling and emotion, let is wash all over us, and then dealt with it. There still is not a moment that we don't long for him, for what should have been, for what could have been and what is not, but those moments don't bring me to my knees nearly as often as they did a year ago. I can think of him sweetly now and with some joy mixed in with my sorrow and that is due to the work we have put in. So yes, I suppose there has been some forward progress in our lives. And as for you 2011.............I demand that you treat us with the respect we are due.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving. Yep. While I know I have much to be thankful for, so much and most of the day I appreciate those things. But right now, in the still of the night I'm not feeling thankful, right now I'm feeling ripped off. I'm feeling sad and blue and wishing I had 2 living sons. I'm feeling like I would like to take out an ad, or put a big sign on my front yard that says "I MISS MY SON CAYDEN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. STILL!!!". I feel like there are sooooo many people who don't get that it hasn't gone away, not even a little. I know you all know this feeling. The feeling or look you get when you dare to mention your baby. The feeling of the air being let out of the room. Trouble is the air has been let out of my life, and it hasn't been let back in. Right now I don't sound anything like the thankful woman I have been portraying myself to be on facebook, around the dinner table, at ladies night or anywhere else. So who is the true me? Am I really some bizarre combo of bitter sad and happy thankful woman? Jezuz, no wonder I am tired all the time.

Wave of Light

I hope you felt the love tonight my sweet angel baby boy Cayden. I know I sure felt the love and support from my friends and family.

Walk to Remember

Caydens Mama and Big Daddy

I did the Walk to Remember on Saturday. It was a beautiful warm and sunny morning. Much different than it was last year. Made me sort of look at how many differences there are in my life in the last year. Last years walk there was a blizzard and I felt absolutely compelled to be there. I drove almost 2 hours through snow and ice against the advice of most everyone. I cried from the moment I got there until I left and cried most of the rest of the day. This year I looked forward to it. I cried, don't get me wrong, but my soul wasn't tearing like it did last year. Last year I only knew my immediate family who was there with me. I felt alone and isolated. This year I knew so many of the broken hearted people there. I knew their stories and I felt like I knew their babies. I felt connected to this community of loss. Last year I didn't think I would ever smile again. This year I knew I would. Last year I didn't think I could live with the pain of losing Cayden. This year I know he is near me, and though I will miss him and ache for him and cry for his loss, I know I will live through this.

I know I felt so much more centered because of the love and support I have had from my husband and my other son, from my family and friends, my support group and the many friends I have made there, the people I have met through my journey thus far and my blog friends.

I'm here

Two nights ago I must have spent 20 minutes standing in Murrays bedroom doorway just watching him sleep. I was marveling at how big he has gotten. His arms and legs are so long. The way he sleeps now, is not like a baby (although on the rare occasions where he sleeps all hunched with his bum in the air my heart melts) anymore, he looks so grown. I mean don't get me wrong, I know a 4 year old is by no means grown, but he has grown soooo much. Back to my point.......standing in his doorway I realized I have missed so much. I have missed this entire last year. I mean I have been here, I have done all the things a mama should do, even all the things a good mama should do..........but I have still missed so much. In my overwhelming grief and sadness and desperate grip trying to keep "it" together. Whatever "it" is, more often than not "it" is ME. I just haven't been all here for Murray. I haven't noticed him changing and growing. I missed him going from 3 to 4. There are big changes that have happened. I missed them. I didn't see them coming, or happening. All I know is that somehow I missed them. Well mark my word.....I am here now damnit. I am here.

On a different not, I have gone swimming 4 days now. The plan is to go tomorrow as well making it 5 times. Twice last week and 3 times this week. Last week we started with 14 laps, which is 700 meters or yards. I can't remember which. 1650 is a mile so I was just under half a mile. Today I went just OVER half a mile. I am feeling good about it. I am not dreading it like normal. Fingers crossed I can keep it up and increase my energy level and get this ole girl in shape for a baby.

On a sad note, 2 of my dear friends have gone through IVF this last month. One families didn't take, and the other was pregnant for 11 weeks but seemingly lost the baby about 8 weeks. I am so sad for them. It has really sort of sparked the urgency in myself to get Murray a little brother or sister.

Eric and I have been going to a support group 2 times a month since shortly after we lost Cayden. The group is CPNL Colorado Pregnany Newborn Loss group. It has helped us more than we would have ever imagined. The leader is an amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman and she has really been an amazing support this last year. The people in the group have sparked so much thought and conversation within the group and between Eric and I. I will go into this group in more detail in another post, actually can't believe I haven't blogged about it before. At any rate there is a conference on Friday at Red Rocks. I have been helping with the planning and organizing and Eric and I will also be on a Parent Panel. We will be speaking to and taking questions from doctors, nurses and other medical people about comprehensive care for families who have lost babies. Does anyone have anything they would like the medical community to know good or bad?? I pray I have the words and strength to reach these people. Something I say could just make or break the hardest day in the life of some future baby lost mama. Jezzzuz no pressure.

Give Me More

I have finally started to DO something. I began swimming this week. Went 2 times. Oddly enough I am still NOT fit enough to get pregnant. At least I feel good about finally moving and doing something. Murray knows that I am doing this to get healthy so we can get another baby in my tummy. A baby that as he puts it "gets to come home wiff us and doesn't have to go to heaven". I have been really wondering WTH lately. I want a baby sooo badly, but then I am not doing anything to get us to a place where we can start to try. I talk and talk about it. I ache over it. I obsess about it. But I don't DO anything about it. I am the only one/thing holding us, our family, back from growing. I spoke with my SIL this week about it, and her thoughts are that I am afraid. Afraid of the pain of losing another baby. I am protecting myself by being too fat to get pregnant. I have been really putting some thought to this. I am trying to figure out how to reconcile my heart and head and get them on the same page so that I can get my body on that page too. I am running out of time. I'm 41. My risks of trouble seems to be going up by the day. I intend to use my time in the pool to have some serious heart and head time.