I'm here

Two nights ago I must have spent 20 minutes standing in Murrays bedroom doorway just watching him sleep. I was marveling at how big he has gotten. His arms and legs are so long. The way he sleeps now, is not like a baby (although on the rare occasions where he sleeps all hunched with his bum in the air my heart melts) anymore, he looks so grown. I mean don't get me wrong, I know a 4 year old is by no means grown, but he has grown soooo much. Back to my point.......standing in his doorway I realized I have missed so much. I have missed this entire last year. I mean I have been here, I have done all the things a mama should do, even all the things a good mama should do..........but I have still missed so much. In my overwhelming grief and sadness and desperate grip trying to keep "it" together. Whatever "it" is, more often than not "it" is ME. I just haven't been all here for Murray. I haven't noticed him changing and growing. I missed him going from 3 to 4. There are big changes that have happened. I missed them. I didn't see them coming, or happening. All I know is that somehow I missed them. Well mark my word.....I am here now damnit. I am here.

On a different not, I have gone swimming 4 days now. The plan is to go tomorrow as well making it 5 times. Twice last week and 3 times this week. Last week we started with 14 laps, which is 700 meters or yards. I can't remember which. 1650 is a mile so I was just under half a mile. Today I went just OVER half a mile. I am feeling good about it. I am not dreading it like normal. Fingers crossed I can keep it up and increase my energy level and get this ole girl in shape for a baby.

On a sad note, 2 of my dear friends have gone through IVF this last month. One families didn't take, and the other was pregnant for 11 weeks but seemingly lost the baby about 8 weeks. I am so sad for them. It has really sort of sparked the urgency in myself to get Murray a little brother or sister.

Eric and I have been going to a support group 2 times a month since shortly after we lost Cayden. The group is CPNL Colorado Pregnany Newborn Loss group. It has helped us more than we would have ever imagined. The leader is an amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman and she has really been an amazing support this last year. The people in the group have sparked so much thought and conversation within the group and between Eric and I. I will go into this group in more detail in another post, actually can't believe I haven't blogged about it before. At any rate there is a conference on Friday at Red Rocks. I have been helping with the planning and organizing and Eric and I will also be on a Parent Panel. We will be speaking to and taking questions from doctors, nurses and other medical people about comprehensive care for families who have lost babies. Does anyone have anything they would like the medical community to know good or bad?? I pray I have the words and strength to reach these people. Something I say could just make or break the hardest day in the life of some future baby lost mama. Jezzzuz no pressure.

Give Me More

I have finally started to DO something. I began swimming this week. Went 2 times. Oddly enough I am still NOT fit enough to get pregnant. At least I feel good about finally moving and doing something. Murray knows that I am doing this to get healthy so we can get another baby in my tummy. A baby that as he puts it "gets to come home wiff us and doesn't have to go to heaven". I have been really wondering WTH lately. I want a baby sooo badly, but then I am not doing anything to get us to a place where we can start to try. I talk and talk about it. I ache over it. I obsess about it. But I don't DO anything about it. I am the only one/thing holding us, our family, back from growing. I spoke with my SIL this week about it, and her thoughts are that I am afraid. Afraid of the pain of losing another baby. I am protecting myself by being too fat to get pregnant. I have been really putting some thought to this. I am trying to figure out how to reconcile my heart and head and get them on the same page so that I can get my body on that page too. I am running out of time. I'm 41. My risks of trouble seems to be going up by the day. I intend to use my time in the pool to have some serious heart and head time.

a year

A year has come and gone. I have survived a year without your kisses, without nuzzling the sweet smell of your neck. A year of not watching you grow and progress and learn about your world. A year has gone and I only picked one outfit for you my angel. A year has come and gone without you getting into your big brothers things. A year has passed and I didn't get to pick out a cake for you to smash your fingers in and shmear all over your face. I have missed so much in this last year. I have missed you every moment of every day. But in your memory I have found strength. The strength to get up and face each and every day and face a world where you are not. I have found the strength to foster your big brothers love for you, and cry with him every time he crys about missing you and wishing you could have come home with us and not gone to heaven. I have found the strength to answer your big brothers never ending questions about death and heaven and you. I have found the strength to answer the question "how many children do you have?" proudly with "2 boys". I have found the strength to let go and cry and wail and scream at God when I need to. I have found the strength to be supportive of other mothers who have angel babies. I have found the strength to talk about you whenever I want no matter who is around or if it makes them uncomfortable.

I have not found the strength to lose the weight I want to lose in order for us to try for another baby. I have not found an answer for why you were taken from me. I don't think I ever will. Not until I get to you and finally have you in my arms. Maybe then I will have the understanding.

I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just a moment has passed, then other times it feels like an eternity.

I know that I will continue forward. For you. For your brother. For your Daddy. And so you will be proud of your mama.

Time

It's getting closer and closer to Caydens birthday. Closer and closer to the time his sweet wonderful soul entered my life. I knew to expect my emotions to run high, but I had NO idea it would be so soul crushing again. The sadness is washing over me, making it hard to breath. The slightest mention of his name, glance at the calendar, view of a butterfly can drop me to my knees. My heart feels layed open. I miss you so much Cayden. I love you. I love you . I love you. Please give me the strength to make it through this next week with some grace.

idiot

I ran into a woman I know tonight at a fund raiser thing. I have never really liked this woman, she has always annoyed me. Most things she does and says are annoying. Tonight she took the cake. I haven't seen her since I lost Cayden. Tell the truth I don't know if she ever even sent me an email or anything about it, I can only assume NOT. So tonight I swear to all that is holy and un holy she ran down the damned list of what NOT to say, not ever ever ever say, to someone who has lost a baby. I tried like hell to be kind, to be charitable, to redirect her, to correct her and finally I looked desperately for an escape and I bailed on her. I really don't care if I EVER talk to her again in my life. Here is what I can think of that she said:
1. It was probably for the best. To which I replied........uhhh no I don't agree with that.
2. Was IT (OMG she called him IT) stillborn? NO
3. She ran over me after that question to say was he born to early? Is that why he was stillborn?
and again.......NO. He wasn't stillborn. His name was Cayden. I had him at 32 weeks and he lived for 3 days.
3. Well he probably would have suffered if he had lived. I said Well, I guess we'll never know will we? Now we just suffer and miss him.
4. So what happened to him? He had a malformed vein in his head that burst.....and again she talked all over me.......OH so if he had lived this could have happened to him when he was 5, and how horrible would that be? To lose a 5 year old? I said nothing. By this time it's taking everything I have to not punch her in her stupid face.
5. I have a friend whose son just died of cancer. He was 27. Can you imagine how hard it would be to lose a child at 27? My reply is a look of shock mixed with disgust.
6. I have another friend who had a molar pregnancy, well, she just had her first baby and OMG is he cute, but anyway first she had this molar pregnancy and when she went in for her first ultrasound there was no heartbeat. Can you imagine? How sad. At this point I said "ohhhh I have to go" and I made a bee line for safer people.
I am in utter utter shock. It was like she was reading from the list of what not to say. I have had lots and lots of people say things that are really stupid, unkind even, but mainly stupid. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean I can't fault everyone for not knowing what to say to me, and I know most people are coming from a decent spot. Floundering to say something, anything to take the look of pain from my face, to stop the tears that well up. But this was just over the top. I sit here tonight in shock. Absolute shock.

impending

I can feel it coming. I feel like I am standing on the tracks and the train is coming. Caydens birthday is 2 1/2 weeks away. The day he left me is 3 short days after. I am starting to relive every moment I had with him last year this time. What I was doing, what I was feeling, how desperately I was holding on to hope. We have decided to take a family hike on the 8th, his angelversary. I am not a hiker, couldn't be further from being healthy and in shape, but I think it will be good for us, and for me. I want it to feel like a step forward, a reclaiming sort of thing. I want so badly to be on the road to health and less weight, so that I can begin trying for our 3rd child. The baby that as Murray puts is "doesn't have to go to heaven, but gets to come home and live with us". So perhaps a hike on this day will be a good step off? I don't know. I feel like I'm reaching, grasping at straws. We have nothing planned for his birthday and that is starting to terrify me. So many people have thrown big parties, done big celebrations etc. That doesn't feel right, but I have to do something. I need to find a way to celebrate the day he was born. Because that day was a beautiful day. My son was born. My beautiful son Cayden WAS born. So what to do? How to celebrate? I am afraid the urge to lay in bed all day and cry will be overwhelming.
Do any of you have any ideas? Please share if you do.

11 months

My Cayden. 11 months ago today you came forth into this world to touch my heart, my soul and change me forever. I wish I knew, I wish I could really see and know who I have and am becoming. I know from the moment the doctor first told me that there was something terribly wrong I changed. I would never again be the woman, the mother, the person I was. There isn't a soul that has ever lived with the knowledge of her childs impending doom that hasn't changed, almost on a cellular level. I feel like everything, every single thing I ever knew or though I knew changed in that moment. So that's established. I'm changed. I'm different. But when will I KNOW who this new me is? Will I ever know this woman I am like I knew the woman I was? Will I like who I am? Right now, I don't. In fact I don't really even really like the woman I was. When I was that woman I liked me, but now I don't like her. So what is that? Will I have to go through this entire life I have in front of me without you not liking myself? Not liking who I am?
Oh Cayden, I looked at your photo tonight for the longest time. You were so handsome. So wonderful. I know that the doctor said you weren't really there, but I knew then and it was reaffirmed for me tonight. You were there. You looked into my eyes. You knew, and God please tell me that you still know how very much I love you. Every thing I do now I do for your memory and for your big brother. Everything. Always.