Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving. Yep. While I know I have much to be thankful for, so much and most of the day I appreciate those things. But right now, in the still of the night I'm not feeling thankful, right now I'm feeling ripped off. I'm feeling sad and blue and wishing I had 2 living sons. I'm feeling like I would like to take out an ad, or put a big sign on my front yard that says "I MISS MY SON CAYDEN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. STILL!!!". I feel like there are sooooo many people who don't get that it hasn't gone away, not even a little. I know you all know this feeling. The feeling or look you get when you dare to mention your baby. The feeling of the air being let out of the room. Trouble is the air has been let out of my life, and it hasn't been let back in. Right now I don't sound anything like the thankful woman I have been portraying myself to be on facebook, around the dinner table, at ladies night or anywhere else. So who is the true me? Am I really some bizarre combo of bitter sad and happy thankful woman? Jezuz, no wonder I am tired all the time.

Wave of Light

I hope you felt the love tonight my sweet angel baby boy Cayden. I know I sure felt the love and support from my friends and family.

Walk to Remember

Caydens Mama and Big Daddy

I did the Walk to Remember on Saturday. It was a beautiful warm and sunny morning. Much different than it was last year. Made me sort of look at how many differences there are in my life in the last year. Last years walk there was a blizzard and I felt absolutely compelled to be there. I drove almost 2 hours through snow and ice against the advice of most everyone. I cried from the moment I got there until I left and cried most of the rest of the day. This year I looked forward to it. I cried, don't get me wrong, but my soul wasn't tearing like it did last year. Last year I only knew my immediate family who was there with me. I felt alone and isolated. This year I knew so many of the broken hearted people there. I knew their stories and I felt like I knew their babies. I felt connected to this community of loss. Last year I didn't think I would ever smile again. This year I knew I would. Last year I didn't think I could live with the pain of losing Cayden. This year I know he is near me, and though I will miss him and ache for him and cry for his loss, I know I will live through this.

I know I felt so much more centered because of the love and support I have had from my husband and my other son, from my family and friends, my support group and the many friends I have made there, the people I have met through my journey thus far and my blog friends.

I'm here

Two nights ago I must have spent 20 minutes standing in Murrays bedroom doorway just watching him sleep. I was marveling at how big he has gotten. His arms and legs are so long. The way he sleeps now, is not like a baby (although on the rare occasions where he sleeps all hunched with his bum in the air my heart melts) anymore, he looks so grown. I mean don't get me wrong, I know a 4 year old is by no means grown, but he has grown soooo much. Back to my point.......standing in his doorway I realized I have missed so much. I have missed this entire last year. I mean I have been here, I have done all the things a mama should do, even all the things a good mama should do..........but I have still missed so much. In my overwhelming grief and sadness and desperate grip trying to keep "it" together. Whatever "it" is, more often than not "it" is ME. I just haven't been all here for Murray. I haven't noticed him changing and growing. I missed him going from 3 to 4. There are big changes that have happened. I missed them. I didn't see them coming, or happening. All I know is that somehow I missed them. Well mark my word.....I am here now damnit. I am here.

On a different not, I have gone swimming 4 days now. The plan is to go tomorrow as well making it 5 times. Twice last week and 3 times this week. Last week we started with 14 laps, which is 700 meters or yards. I can't remember which. 1650 is a mile so I was just under half a mile. Today I went just OVER half a mile. I am feeling good about it. I am not dreading it like normal. Fingers crossed I can keep it up and increase my energy level and get this ole girl in shape for a baby.

On a sad note, 2 of my dear friends have gone through IVF this last month. One families didn't take, and the other was pregnant for 11 weeks but seemingly lost the baby about 8 weeks. I am so sad for them. It has really sort of sparked the urgency in myself to get Murray a little brother or sister.

Eric and I have been going to a support group 2 times a month since shortly after we lost Cayden. The group is CPNL Colorado Pregnany Newborn Loss group. It has helped us more than we would have ever imagined. The leader is an amazing, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate woman and she has really been an amazing support this last year. The people in the group have sparked so much thought and conversation within the group and between Eric and I. I will go into this group in more detail in another post, actually can't believe I haven't blogged about it before. At any rate there is a conference on Friday at Red Rocks. I have been helping with the planning and organizing and Eric and I will also be on a Parent Panel. We will be speaking to and taking questions from doctors, nurses and other medical people about comprehensive care for families who have lost babies. Does anyone have anything they would like the medical community to know good or bad?? I pray I have the words and strength to reach these people. Something I say could just make or break the hardest day in the life of some future baby lost mama. Jezzzuz no pressure.

Give Me More

I have finally started to DO something. I began swimming this week. Went 2 times. Oddly enough I am still NOT fit enough to get pregnant. At least I feel good about finally moving and doing something. Murray knows that I am doing this to get healthy so we can get another baby in my tummy. A baby that as he puts it "gets to come home wiff us and doesn't have to go to heaven". I have been really wondering WTH lately. I want a baby sooo badly, but then I am not doing anything to get us to a place where we can start to try. I talk and talk about it. I ache over it. I obsess about it. But I don't DO anything about it. I am the only one/thing holding us, our family, back from growing. I spoke with my SIL this week about it, and her thoughts are that I am afraid. Afraid of the pain of losing another baby. I am protecting myself by being too fat to get pregnant. I have been really putting some thought to this. I am trying to figure out how to reconcile my heart and head and get them on the same page so that I can get my body on that page too. I am running out of time. I'm 41. My risks of trouble seems to be going up by the day. I intend to use my time in the pool to have some serious heart and head time.

a year

A year has come and gone. I have survived a year without your kisses, without nuzzling the sweet smell of your neck. A year of not watching you grow and progress and learn about your world. A year has gone and I only picked one outfit for you my angel. A year has come and gone without you getting into your big brothers things. A year has passed and I didn't get to pick out a cake for you to smash your fingers in and shmear all over your face. I have missed so much in this last year. I have missed you every moment of every day. But in your memory I have found strength. The strength to get up and face each and every day and face a world where you are not. I have found the strength to foster your big brothers love for you, and cry with him every time he crys about missing you and wishing you could have come home with us and not gone to heaven. I have found the strength to answer your big brothers never ending questions about death and heaven and you. I have found the strength to answer the question "how many children do you have?" proudly with "2 boys". I have found the strength to let go and cry and wail and scream at God when I need to. I have found the strength to be supportive of other mothers who have angel babies. I have found the strength to talk about you whenever I want no matter who is around or if it makes them uncomfortable.

I have not found the strength to lose the weight I want to lose in order for us to try for another baby. I have not found an answer for why you were taken from me. I don't think I ever will. Not until I get to you and finally have you in my arms. Maybe then I will have the understanding.

I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just a moment has passed, then other times it feels like an eternity.

I know that I will continue forward. For you. For your brother. For your Daddy. And so you will be proud of your mama.

Time

It's getting closer and closer to Caydens birthday. Closer and closer to the time his sweet wonderful soul entered my life. I knew to expect my emotions to run high, but I had NO idea it would be so soul crushing again. The sadness is washing over me, making it hard to breath. The slightest mention of his name, glance at the calendar, view of a butterfly can drop me to my knees. My heart feels layed open. I miss you so much Cayden. I love you. I love you . I love you. Please give me the strength to make it through this next week with some grace.